Dear Parent,
I gave a little presentation the other day on attachment styles and how a parent’s style can positively or negatively impact a parent’s ability to raise a beautiful and challenging child. When all was said and done, it seemed I focused too much on the negative. I wish I could only focused on the positive. I guess I believe that we often are so strength-based in our approaches to parent education and intervention that we don’t help parents see how they can change themselves to change their relationship with their hurting child.
When parents come into my office seeking help for their child, it is usually their attachment style that has gotten in the way of them being effective and loving with their child from difficult beginnings. It is not the parent’s fault. It is a secret about parenting rarely brought into the light. Many of us are traumatized by our own experiences in childhood and life. That trauma can interfere with our ability to weather the chronic maladaptive states of children who are also traumatized.
If you want to focus on the positive, then do attachment promoting parenting, therapeutic parenting–high nurture, high structure. Attunement, engagement, play, empathy, understanding and connection are the keys to healing attachment and trauma wounds in children and adults. When you find you are unable to do those things on a regular basis, you probably need to look within at your own history of trauma and attachment.
Love matters,
Ce
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