Dear Parents:
If you had a bad habit of mumbling your words or talking a little too loud or too much or chewing vigorously with open mouth at dinner and your beloved ignored you whenever it happened, how might you feel?
Ignored?
Hurt?
Rejected?
Shamed?
Angered?
Furious?
Reactive?
Rebellious?
Oppositional?
Bitter?
Unloved?
Disengaged?
Done!
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Be careful what you are ignoring when you follow advice from parent educators and therapists to “ignore” your child’s negative behavior. Sometimes we parents get confused about what that means. It doesn’t mean ignore the child. It means ignore the behavior, not the child. Some attachment challenged, traumatized children have a multitude of negative behaviors. You could end up ignoring your child at regular intervals all day, every day.
Attachment challenged children are not usually capable of discerning exactly what you are ignoring. They often take it to mean: “You are mean, and I am bad.”
A better approach with soft, loving eyes sounds like this:
Yelling when you are angry really, really, really hurts my ears.
Chew with your mouth closed, Sweetie Pie.
I couldn’t hear what you said. It sounded like, “Can I toast some chihuahuas?” That can’t be right. Try again please.”
Yep, say those kinds of sentences playfully 15 times a day instead of ignoring your child 15 times a day. Could be life changing. Enough said, right?
Love matters,
Ce
Upcoming…
NEW! Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. November 17th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm. Pizza will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, of course. This is a monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you choose.
NEW! 5-week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-9 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group. The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too. Groups will begin in January 2018. Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.
UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT: Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.
TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT. Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.
FOLLOW US: Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.
Great ideas for parents who have learned to manage their own cortisol release.
Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right, the first step in therapeutic parenting is getting a full, working handle on one’s own dysregulation. That can take some time, so it helps while in the process is practicing this sentence, “Mommy is getting dysregulated and I need to take some breaths and a little space to get back to green*.”
*From the Zones of Regulation curriculum.
Great ideas for parents who have learned to manage their own cortisol release.
Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right, the first step in therapeutic parenting is getting a full, working handle on one’s own dysregulation. That can take some time, so it helps while in the process is practicing this sentence, “Mommy is getting dysregulated and I need to take some breaths and a little space to get back to green*.”
*From the Zones of Regulation curriculum.