When Will This Be Over?

Dear Parent,

This is one of the most difficult questions I get asked when an adoptive parent sits in my office after many months of doing everything possible to stay calm, create safety, and respond consistently with structure and nurture to the trust-blocking shenanigans of their child: When will this be over?

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

It’s painful because I know how it feels to be compelled to ask the question and I have enough experience over the last 20 years to know I cannot really give a satisfying answer.  When children are traumatized and abandoned in the early years, healing is a long, slow process of many steps, repetitions, missteps, flipped lids, sabotage, and, yes, growth.  When a parent is in the midst of it all, growth seems like it isn’t happening.  I can always see that it is.  It just isn’t happening fast or all at once.  To complicate matters, just when there is a leap of maturity, other hurdles appear as if from nowhere or reappear like ghosts from the past. It is what it is.

When will this be over?  Like childhood itself, when your child matures.  That means when s/he learns to navigate loving relationships, takes responsibility for actions, and makes life affirming decisions.  Some people with more solid beginnings are still working on these tenets of mature adulthood.  Raising children transitions; it doesn’t get over.  Raising traumatized, attachment challenged children is no different; it does often take extra effort, patience, and perseverance over time.

Love matters,


Last chance to sign up for our 8-hr. Trust-based Therapeutic Parent Training class on Saturday 1/7/17.  Register here.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group!  Open to all adoptive parents at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided at no cost.

Get your discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT. Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

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