The Quiet Ones Slip Through The Cracks

Dear Parent,

If your child doesn’t seem to fit the mold of the typical description of traumatized, attachment challenged children–sensory seeking, attention needy, shenanigan oriented, aggressive-and yet seems a little different, quiet, even withdrawn or overly compliant, you may have a befriender survivor.  Befriend is another survival mode:  Fight, Flight, Freeze, Feign Death, Befriend.

A child who spends her life in befriend survival mode is happy, charming, compliant, and seems somewhat empty, shallow, and often emotionally fragile. Befreinders slip through IEP cracks, because they do not cause problems in the classroom; however, do not let that fool you.  Our befriender children are traumatized, too.  They need support for their internalized fears, anxiety, and dissociation.

Just because those on the outside do not see that something is troubling your child doesn’t mean that what you experience is wrong.  You know when you are not able to make a solid connection.  You can feel it.  If you feel it, get your family support.  You still need it.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.  Follow on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Therapeutic Parent Training is specially scheduled for one day–July 16th–from 9am to 5pm. We usually hold the training on two days, but this is an exception for those who cannot find time on two consecutive Saturdays to attend a training.  For more information, go to https://www.attachplace.com. Childcare provided for an additional fee. Email ce@attachplace.com to register.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
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You can find Ce’s book on Amazon.com.  Don’t forget to leave a review.

Comments

  1. Hi Ce,
    oh, how true. One of my twins with complex developmental trauma disorder fits the typical profile and one was more of a befriender type child. I used to say that ‘no one was home’ regarding that twin. He was empty and swallow and yes, he didn’t give half as much trouble as the other twin.
    Since we started with him working on integrating his feelings, he has turned very much more into the typical traumatized and attachment-challenged child.
    And it was exactly as you said…the boys’ child psychatrist always said that the ‘quieter’ twin was fine (when I knew he wasn’t) and the only reason that he got some help was because his twin brother was getting support.
    In fact, he is in a number of ways much sicker than the twin who was with his emotions all over the place!

    Thank you for all your blogs and the book. It is always encouraging (and sometimes challenging) to read your insights.
    Blessings,
    Regula

  2. Hi Ce,
    oh, how true. One of my twins with complex developmental trauma disorder fits the typical profile and one was more of a befriender type child. I used to say that ‘no one was home’ regarding that twin. He was empty and swallow and yes, he didn’t give half as much trouble as the other twin.
    Since we started with him working on integrating his feelings, he has turned very much more into the typical traumatized and attachment-challenged child.
    And it was exactly as you said…the boys’ child psychatrist always said that the ‘quieter’ twin was fine (when I knew he wasn’t) and the only reason that he got some help was because his twin brother was getting support.
    In fact, he is in a number of ways much sicker than the twin who was with his emotions all over the place!

    Thank you for all your blogs and the book. It is always encouraging (and sometimes challenging) to read your insights.
    Blessings,
    Regula

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