Living again with my daughter who is now 20-years-old is challenging for both of us. She romanticizes me even now like a toddler looking up into the huge, hairy nostrils on the face of her mother–bigger than life, indestructible, impenetrable, slightly scary. Those are very young eyes looking at me; the imperfect me, who bumps hard into her expectations like an elephant dancing in a tiny house. No matter where I step, my giant self-confidence smashes clumsily down on some part of her tender sense of self. Instead of seeing me as flawed, she heaps on a truck load of self-hatred and inadequacy. No matter what, she cannot measure up. In those moments she swirls further into the black sludge of self reproach or explodes a volcano of anger that burns its way down an unreasonably steep slope.
I could pathologize her, but that will not change our relationship; and I desperately desire a better one with her. I love that young woman, the girl in big lady heels. Like always, I am hanging in here steadfast with love and hope for a better tomorrow. One day I trust we will see each other whole against the sky (Rilke)–perfectly flawed or flawed perfectly like everyone else.
The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm. $200 per couple. Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.