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Archive for www.attachplace.com
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The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee My dad encouraged me always to confront a company that has unfairly charged me for a service poorly rendered. He recommended that my approach be friendly and assertive, and when/if I don’t get results, ask to talk to the manager. He believed that it’s better to use a carrot than a stick, and that the phrase, “Can you help me?” pulls for support instead of defense.
Great advice.
I consciously ask for advice from the wise ones in the world, and I always have some good advice just ready to be shared with the world.
Go ahead: ask me anything.
So believe me when I say it’s unfortunate that advice has serious limitations.
For example, when I work with couples, if one person is speaking from a deeply vulnerable place and the other gets nervous and wants to solve the problem by giving advice, it inevitably backfires.
The person sharing wants connection, closeness, understanding; to be seen and accepted even for this part, the part that doesn’t make it out into the world very often.
The person sharing wants to be vulnerable and loved in the exact same moment.
That is the ultimate redemption, and can be the antidote to past historical relationship trauma. It’s the big taco and the whole enchilada.
The person listening wants closeness, too. They love and care for their partner, and suspect (mistakenly) that it’s the vulnerability blocking the connection. They’ve got some advice, and it might even be fantastic advice. It could be the perfect fix. But that’s not the point.
Advice won’t help until the emotional connection is made. Everyone needs to feel loved, accepted, cherished, understood. Then and only then is it time for advice.
First, though, you build the emotional bank account. First, you reflect and understand and love and share a similar vulnerability. Then you give advice. Your partner is much more likely to be open and ready to respond if they feel heard and understood. And if you’re patient enough to really understand the struggle, who knows? Your advice might even change.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Love Strong Love Long,
Jennifer Olden, LMFT
Yesterday I asked my 5-year-old son to promise me that when he grows up, he will not go to war.
He looked at me with his big brown eyes and said , “I pwomise, Mommy. I won’t go to war.”
I come from a long line of pacifist men, so I’m hoping his word is good. It’s one of the scariest things about having a son.
My mom was sitting nearby and she said, “And Amelia. Make Amelia promise.” And even though I’m a feminist to the core, I really have zero fears about my daughter enlisting.
This is why: I play a game to get Josh to eat his vegetables, where the broccoli is held with one hand and labeled a kitten, and the other hand is the monster. The monster chases the kitten into my son’s mouth, and his mouth is the refuge. He is distracted with fun so he will eat his veggies. But this silly game is upsetting to my 8-year-old daughter, because she feels sorry for the kitten and the monster scares her. She has to leave the dinner table. That child is not going to enlist. Not even in a parallel universe.
But Josh loves to make sticks into guns, and shoot his bow and arrow at the cat. When he was 3 years old, he was poking a snail with a stick and I scolded, “Don’t do that. It hurts the snail.”
He asked, “Can I at least pee on it?”
He was born aggressive, and with a loving family it will turn into assertiveness and drive. But I am scared that when he’s 18 and his prefrontal lobes aren’t developed and consequences are abstractions and death is a myth and being a hero is a worthy goal, he could just amble on down to the armed forces center on a bright sunny day and sign his life away. Nooooooooooooo.
Josh, promise me. Promise me. No war.
“I pwomise, Mommy.”
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Parenting with heart,
Jennifer Olden, LMFT
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The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee
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Most couples that come into my office for therapy tell me they need help with communication, and they are right. Just not in the way they are implying when they tell me “he never listens to me,” or “all she ever does is nag me.” I know, when I am working with them I am going to move them from a defensive, self-protective style of communication to one of vulnerability and intimacy. But, for the first couple of sessions I let them tell me their complaints about communication. It is very insightful to me, I learn all about their hidden fears and desires in those complaints and they don’t even know they are revealing them. It is my job to point that part out.
So why do so many couples come in with the same complaint? Think about it, you wake up in the morning talking to your spouse, you spend the morning getting ready talking to your spouse, you probably text, talk, or Email throughout the day. You probably call on your way home, check in with each other after being away all day, spend the evening divvying up who is going to do what, maybe sit, down after the kids are down and enjoy some quite time together, go to bed together hopefully with enough energy to have sex, staying in some kind of contact all night with a foot or hand, then waking up and starting all over. On special nights you go out and enjoy each other’s company and on busy weeks you feel the pressure of not spending time together. This is the norm for a lot of relationships, and on some level you know that, so when it is not happening like this, you can tell something is wrong.
This is where couples get stuck. Someone might ask their partner “why aren’t you spending time with me”? This partner might feel attacked, hearing he or she is doing something wrong, actually want to stay away from those attacks, perpetuating the problem. Another person might say “We aren’t having sex enough.” That partner might think “why would we have sex when you don’t even want to spend time with me”? Again, perpetuating the cycle. So, it is easy to see where communication could break down and even turn into a blaming, attacking, defending, withdrawing cycle, and why couples come in telling me they are having problems communicating.
So what can you do about this? You can start by making time to have this discussion and talk about how you miss being in contact with the other person. You could also purchase the book Hold Me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love by Sue Johnson and have those conversations. I have had many clients tell me this book changed their marriage. I promote the book so much I offer a full weekend workshop on it. Finally, if it feels like you are just too stuck to do this on your own, make an appointment with an EFT couple’s therapist.
The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships
Live Long Live Strong,
Robin Blair, LMFT
Certified EFT Therapist
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The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee
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The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee