Archive for parenting children with special needs – Page 3

Karyn Purvis in Sacramento

Purvis
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is April 8th. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Parent Workshop  is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a back-to-back, two-day format. Sign up online at www.attachplace.com.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Connect and learn with other parents in the same boat. 

Too Much Freedom

If your child gets into shenanigans when outside your visual supervision, then YOU have given your child too much freedom.  This is on YOU, not your child.  How can that be, you say?
 
Calibrate freedom at the level for your child’s success–shoot low to guarantee it.  
Limbo
I know this is contrary to awe-inspiring motivation posters about Aiming High, but you can rest assured your child will fail if you do so and they miss–over and over and over.  Continuous failure insures lack of confidence, low self-esteem, lack-luster motivation, and snail-speed executive function growth over time.  
Imagine what continuous success insures over time.  Yay-ah Baby.  That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is April 8th. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Parent Workshop  is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a back-to-back, two-day format. Sign up online at www.attachplace.com.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Baby steps lead to success.
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Brain-Washing

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Daily YOU Time:

Wisdom for Adoptive Parents
We have to help our attachment challenged children understand how to think about what they feel.  First, they need help identifying that they are even having a feeling, and then what the name of the feeling is.  Text emojis only go so far. 
 
It helps to supply thoughts they could have about the feeling, such as “Everyone has feelings like this once in a while and sometimes a lot of the while.”  You might even go so far as to suggest that this is a righteous feeling they have every right to have in this situation, by golly!   Then explain what “by golly” means. 
 
To be a super good helper, you could offer some suggestions about how to act when this feeling surfaces willy nilly.  I know this sounds silly (oh that rhymes with willy nilly), but practicing having this feeling and handling it in a few different, socially acceptable ways could be beneficial.  Practice is just like experience only you don’t have to actually give or get a black eye in the process.  
 
Some kids could use a picture chart to show the ways to identify and handle feelings. Most will think this is stupid, but do it anyway. 
 
Sharing power on picking choices for how to cope with these feelings comes in handy for oppositional types.  Some will do best by just being told the smartest ways.  
 
Look for signs that your help is being taken.  Throw out a compliment when you see some coping successes.  It’s amazing what catching kids doing something positive can do for their self-esteem.  I know they pretend it does nothing, but we parents know better, right?
 
Yep, that’s how you brain-wash a child effectively to cope with life’s little (massive) emotional ups and downs.  I didn’t say brain-washing was easy.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place announces the beginning of our monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Life is a lesson waiting to be learned.
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Because YOU Matter

All you can do is your best.  And, on any given day your best may wax or wane. Perfect parenting is not necessary, or even possible.  YOU are the best thing in the life of your child.  Forgive yourself the wane.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place announces the beginning of our monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Don’t forget parents need play days, too.
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Inability To See

I lost a day somewhere and forgot to send a note to YOU.  Mea Culpa.
I am often struck by how difficult it is for our attachment challenged children to link our parental consequences with their own behavior. Often, they see parenting as just mean. Executive function is delayed in children from difficult beginnings.  They need a lot of empathy, gentleness, structure and very clearly explained natural consequences to slowly bring that part of their experience forward.
Yesterday, my son told me that he thought I was a mean parent.Wha?  Okay, I do remember one of my finer moments wrestling him to the ground to get back something stolen from me.  That was pretty darned mean and I clearly lost my mind in the heat of the battle. Pretty sure that is what he was going to throw out and up into my face.  Shame.  Shame.  Shame on me.  That was mean.
When I asked him what he was remembering that he thought was mean, he recalled to me not getting to spend the night with a friend a few weeks ago for no reason except to be mean.  As I recall, he had not gone to school for three days that week; had not lifted a finger toward his chores in three days; and had refused to speak to me for three days just prior to his request to spend the weekend with a friend.  
 
Honestly, I remember saying no without explaining why to him.  I thought he would make the link.  Now I hear no such link made: therefore, I am mean.  He totally missed the actual mean stuff.
 
Make sure you explicitly link your actions to your child’s behavior or the learning will be lost (it might be anyway, but not for lack of linking).  After all, isn’t that what consequences are meant to be–teaching aids.  And the learning should not end in a conclusion that YOU are mean.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Lost Thursday Thursday.  Found Friday Friday la la… la la la la
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FOMO Is A Thing?

I am from the generation that thought up acronyms such as SWAK and TGIF.  We were cute. I stuck with the learning curve all the way through TMI and WTF, and then I just couldn’t care anymore. Perhaps my age caught up with me.  I am old.
Today FOMO came across my lap-desk.  What the heck is FOMO? Long FO, Long MO. Do you know it?
Fear Of Missing Out.  FOMO.  FOMO has spurred the best crop of dumbphone apps to help us be in the know and instantly notified of thousands of things happening simultaneously, thereby quelling further FOMO.
On another note: My son emerged from his boy cave this morning fully dressed, jacketed, shoe’d (unusual for holiday jammie fests), with a bag of trash over his shoulder, evoking his usual adeiu, “See ya later Mom.  Love ya.”
Incredulously, What are you doing?
“I put a clean bag in already, and I’m taking the trash out on my way to Jamba Juice.  I’m multi-tasking. You said multitasking is impossible, but not for me.”
WTF. TMI.
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Monday Monday, la la…la la la la
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Fifty Shades of Objectification

This came  across my desktop today and I feel the same way, so thought I would share it with.
50 shades of objectification
Protecting Your Teen’s
Mind and Heart

Find the full post HERE.
Hi all,

It’s all the rage right now. You’ll find “Fifty Shades of Grey” plastered just about everywhere you’ll look.  Have you heard about it? I bet your teens have, too.

And that’s a problem.

Well, not really.  Not if you’ve been discussing the media hype surrounding it, and exposing the unhealthy relationship depicted in the book/movie for the unhealthy situation that it is.

If you’re not at all comfortable discussing this with your teens, I urge you to click through and see our thoughts on the topic, as well as share the article written by Dr. Meek, pediatric psychiatrist, with your teen.

It’s that important. You’ll find the link to it all on ourblog.

Start reading HERE. We hope this helps!

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Valentine’s Day Release, Oh Joy.
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Stop and Notice

Sometimes we parents are seriously Type A toward our attachment challenged children.  We are forever working our kids to be better, be focused, be kinder, be organized, be mature, be motivated, be normal.  Wha?  Our kids by definition are working as hard as they can figuring out how to feel safe in their own skins, in their own families. This thing called family life is complex and filled with emotional landmines. 
 
From where your child began, stop and notice how far s/he has come. Give yourselves a little break from bettering every moment. Slow down. 
Celebrate now. 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
Lift your head up from the grindstone.  It’s nice up here.
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Do-Si-Do Around We Go

Oh man, I am tired of the do-si-do emotions that go on inside myself when I am trying to hold a loving stance without ensnaring my son with my own emotional hooks.  I can feel myself emotionally tilt forward with hooks out, then catch myself and pull back to neutral.  Then I tilt forward again–hooks out–only to catch myself and pull back to neutral again.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I am an emotional square dancer, perpetually do-si-do-ing in order to maintain my calm, maintain my love, and maintain my neutrality in the face of shenanigans with giant meat hooks. 
 
I desperately wish for my son and myself a moment of being an introverted and relaxed wallflower.  Thanks for the invite, but I’ll sit this one out.
 
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
 
Do-si-do and around we go.
 
The Attach Place Logo Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 14th and March 15th, 10am to 3pm each day,  in a new back-to-back, two-day format. Save the dates.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Trauma Brain Sandwich

Some kids who have Complex Developmental Trauma are white knuckling day and night.  Their need to manage every single little thing to keep themselves feeling safe takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of them.  Their need for the safety that control brings to them takes the life, the joy, the play, the spontaneity right out of YOU, too.
 
Upshot: Be super sure you are getting plenty of adult respite time to play, laugh, love, and be untethered so you are not having a steady Trauma Brain Sandwich diet. YOU will starve to death otherwise.  
Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Trauma Brain Sandwiches are all carb, no protein.
The Attach Place Logo
The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships
Next Trust-based Parent Course is planned for March 28th and April 4th.  Save the date.
Next Hold Me Tight Couples workshop by Robin Blair, LMFT at The Attach Place is planned for April 17th, 18th and 19th.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to sign-up for Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.