Archive for learning curve

Surprise and Novelty Increase Learning

To drive a point home and increase the likelihood of learning, surprise your child with a happy voice when usually there would be stern tones. On a particularly difficult afternoon, break the rules and get out the frozen yogurt for a pre-dinner treat and a little delicious conversation. Mix it up. You might have become boring.
Wah wa Wah.charlie brown

Surprise and novelty register differently in the brain. It’s more fun for YOU, too.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Still Struggling

The last text my 18.5 year-old daughter sent me said, “Okay, CE, I will be fine without you.” The meaning of her reference to my given name is clear—she no longer considers me to be her mother. This is not the first time for sure, but it may be the last.

Where to draw the line in the sand has been my constant dilemma since she was 3 years-old, running away 6 blocks to strangers she thought would be better parents. I was calling the police at the same time the kind strangers were calling them. I picked her up and drove her home in tears—I was in tears; she actually wasn’t. This or similar scenarios occurred countless times over the last 15 years.

My partner draws his line “here,” my therapist colleagues draw it “near” there, but YOU, you might feel the same as me—stumped to find a way to help my emotionally disabled daughter without enabling her to continue making poor choices that she doesn’t consider poor or that she sees as necessary given her situation.

My sweet friend, Grish, is the mother of a 26 year-old Autism Spectrum adult child and she completely understands why I keep throwing money, support and resources in my daughter’s direction. She instantly said, “It’s not codependence. It’s being a mother!” I love non-husband, non-therapist friends. ☺ I love the other’s too, but they don’t say what I want. My love is conditional. Ha.

Push Me Pull YouNow isn’t that an interesting thing out of the mouth of a non-therapist mother? Is mother synonymous with enabler? I am sure that book has been written, but I know I am in line if it hasn’t been. Many of you are in this situation because I have previously counseled you, or heard from you in regard to other emails I have written that describe this excruciating Push-me Pull-you. When in doubt, reference Dr. Doolittle, right?

My childless friends are very clear. By helping my daughter regularly get out of messy situations of her own making, I am enabling her to continue making poor decisions and, therefore, I should stop it. Just do it! They must have gone to Nike Business School–Just do it! My mother friends are very clearly empathetic and sorely lacking (thank goodness) black and white solutions. Life is grey. Take the middle road. Don’t be severe. She is young. YOU are her mother. Of course you want to continue to help her.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

“Okay, CE, I will be fine without YOU,” sticks in my gut like a jagged knife. It is a familiar feeling I’ve had over the years. Cliches always come to mind in times like these, “If you love her, let her go.” The letting go probably never feels good.

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Learning Curve for Parenting Attachment Challenged Children

There is a steep learning curve in the course of raising children. Just when you think you have nearly figured out the secret to those complex chemical chain reactions the whole darned chemistry set blows up, and all you have is a mess in the kitchen.

Take heart, sweet parents. In every chaotic mess there is an opportunity to clean up the work space, fine tune the instruments, glean the data, analyze the sequences, and get a little breathing room, so you can start again. Persistence is your friend in the case of solving the parent/child relationship equation.

Parenting Learning Curve

Parenting Learning Curve

If your kitchen is blowing up, collect some meta data: What am I forgetting? What am I leaving out? What am I expecting? What is my goal? Where are my resources? Where is my heart? What are the basics–sensory,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

environment, connection, correction? What just happened? What did I do? Is there balance? Am I taking care of myself? Is relationship before compliance my mantra? What is the need? What is the point?

Learning curve or not, forward is the only way through. Persist.

Love Matters,

Ce

P.S. Sneak peek. I am excited to announce that in Sacramento, CA, The Attach Place’s Jennifer Olden, LMFT (Certified Supervisor of Emotionally Focused Therapy) and Robin Blair (EFT intern) are offering a reduced rate “Hold Me Tight” weekend workshop, March 21-23, 2014, especially for parents of attachment challenged children. This workshop is internationally celebrated as one of the most effective ways of strengthening the marriage/couple bond. There is limited space and YOU are the first to know! I will get you more details later this week. If you are interested, you can send an email to ce@attachplace.com. Stay tuned.

The Attach Place’s next Trust-based Parent Training Course begins March 29, 2014. Click here for more information. This is a link to the registration page.

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