Archive for adoptive children – Page 2

Books and Children Need Launching

Dear Parent,

As you probably know, I am launching a book.  It has taken me years to get the darned thing to press, and April 16th is the big launch party (actually it is pretty small, which is perfect).  At the same time, I have been preparing to launch my three adult children. The frightening similarity in the two processes escaped me until yesterday morning, when I was hit with a huge wave of anxiety and I couldn’t tell the source.  For days my mind has been obsessively alternating two thoughts:  Should I get the office carpet cleaned for the big day? and Are my kids capable of pulling this off?  Is it the book launch?  Is it the kid launch?  Is it the fear of failure on all fronts?  Or is it the thrill of success?  Ding, ding, ding…I am dysregulated.  And if you see “I” am, you ought to see my kids.  Whew, pure fear sweat around this house.

Writing a book is a painstaking process requiring daily discipline and commitment to staying on track–even when some days are dark with apathy, light on inspiration, and gray from blight of imagination.  Often I have wanted to give up because my inner gremlin, Mack The Hack, tells me no one cares what I have to say; so why try? Then out of nowhere, ideas poured out onto the page like sublime wine from a muse’s challis. That’s hyperbole; my writing is never like that.  It is more akin to the heavy hands of a chimp pounding on the keyboard.

Launching my children resembles a gorilla pounding on the keys of every day life. Occasionally there is divine intervention of joy and delight, but the process is largely a commitment of love.  It is work; work, like in my therapy office, work.

This launch comparison is apt for so many reasons, but I will stop writing in order not to bore you to tears with the details. I will, however, make this one last observation. I am okay with my book being a flop, and so not okay with my kids flopping out in the world.   I will put a safety net around them by way of continuous support.  Book, you are on your own. Good luck to ya.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book…
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big biglove. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive MotherDrowning with My Hair on Fire Book Cover
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

 

 

Big Fat Enabler

Dear Parent,

Hello: My name is Ce, and I am a big fat electronics enabler.  There, I said it.  In January I gave my previously traumatized, attachment-challenged son a new computer for his birthday and he cannot manage it.  I knew that before I did it, and I did it anyway. Yep, that is the definition of an electronics enabler.

Today, I took it away, plus all the other little devices he has stored up over the years.  My son is an electronics addict.  I am an electronics enabler.  Electronics of all flavors interfere with his ability to function, to be responsible, to take care of himself, to engage with others, to care about people, and to care about his life. How in the world could I do that to him?

Well, I wanted to make him happy, and electronics make him happy in a way nothing else does; but that is just an excuse.  He does enjoy other things, when he has no other electronic option.  I am the one who caves to his desires.  I am his enabler.

Unlike other co-electronics-dependents, I am not powerless over this enabling.  I can put my foot down.  I put my foot down.  Quietly, without fanfare, I destroyed all the electronics in his possession.  I have severely disturbed my son.  I can live with that.  He cannot live unless I disturb his addiction.  Done.

My son has retreated to his bedroom, angry with me for my actions.  I told him my actions are acts of love.  And, they are.  They really are.  I love that boy and I don’t like him at all when he is practicing his addiction.  Enabling him makes no sense.  I am a sensible person.  I am now in recovery.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

 

 

When Parenting Fails

Dear Parent,

About a year ago when my attachment-challenged son turned 18, he stopped showering. Well, that isn’t fair.  He reduced showering to about once a week whether he needed one or not. Right, what teen boy doesn’t need two showers a day?  I stopped taking him places in the car unless he showered and eventually, out of self defense, I refused to hug him.

I think he decided he was going to have total control over something in adulthood, so he unconsciously chose body filth as his rebel cause.  Yesterday, his high school teacher made him go take a shower in the middle of the day.  He was actually humiliated, and told me it was one of the worst days of his life. Secretly, I felt a little hopeful about that.

This morning I woke him early enough to take a shower.  He said he would, then ducked in a corner in case I checked.  I did check, and I didn’t see him hidden there.  About 30 minutes later I noticed that his hair wasn’t wet and the shower tile was dry.  I didn’t bother to notice this to him.  School can take up where I left off.

As you might imagine, keeping quiet does not come naturally to me.  I tied my tongue in a knot, so I wouldn’t speak like a parent.  That parenting strategy obviously hasn’t worked for over a year.  Maybe tomorrow he will find power and control in deciding to shower.

Our children have their own trajectories.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and childcare are free.
Look for Ce’s Upcoming Book
 

picture of cover

Drowning With My Hair On Fire

Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Energize Times Three

Image
Wisdom For Adoptive Parents
Dear Parent,
Raising traumatized, attachment challenged children is stressful and you must take care of your energy systems in order not to fall prey to the ravages of depletion.  When I am depleted, I eat too much, sleep too little, and snap at my children.  I am even known to yell and be unreasonable. During these times, I am exhausted and I cry a lot, too. Imagine that.
There are three basic human energy systems:
Physical, body
Emotional, mood
Mental, problem-solving
When your body is depleted, you must nurture and rest it.  Sleep is ever so important to all energy systems, especially your body.  Go to bed early, sleep at least 8 hours, and get up early. Exercise moderately and eat clean foods (that means unprocessed and fresh.)  This is all obvious and yet extremely hard to put first in your life when your child is screaming like a banshee.  Yes, it is hard.  Do it anyway.
You can lift your mood by shifting your posture, directing your eyes more upward than downward, getting sunlight first thing in the morning, and engaging in physical or intellectual activities to give your emotions a distracted relief.  Check-out your thinking to make sure you aren’t telling yourself horror stories about the future of your child.  Nothing sours a mood more than catastrophizing the “what ifs” for 10 years from now.
Thinking, pondering and obsessing about something over and over is like putting yourself in a hamster cage and running the wheel all day and all night.  You are wearing your mental capacity out.  Give your mind a break by putting on some music and get your jiggy on (okay I don’t know what that means either) or call a friend for a gabfest over tea. I read an article about Caffeinated Napping that touted drinking a cup of coffee just before a 20-minute nap; the theory being that the coffee would kick in just as you wake to make you feel truly energized. Who knew?  I’ve been doing that for years, but I really don’t recommend it. A brisk walk with the dog is always a welcome mental refresher. Oxygen to the brain is a good thing.
If you aren’t taking care of your energy systems, you are not going to be taking good care of your child.  Oh, one last thing: stay away from the blue light of screens for at least four hours before bedtime and you might find you sleep like a puppy all cozied up under the covers.
Love matters,
Ce
The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for February 20th and 27th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.
 
Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 5:30pm to 7:30pm.  Group and Childcare are Free.
Look for Ce Eshelman’s Upcoming Book
 
Drowning With My Hair On Fire
Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents
 
Expected Publication Date: February 15, 2016
Drowning with My Hair On Fire is a compilation of over 175 daily support letters to parents of adoptive children and other children from difficult beginnings.  With a forward by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D. and a brief personal memoir, this publication is a response to blog-reader requests for a book of letters that can be easily returned to day after day, when inspiration is hard to find.
Praise for Drowning with My Hair On Fire
This woman saved our family. This book will save your sanity! After years (and many therapists) of getting it wrong, Ce Eshelman got our traumatized family on the right path to attachment, sanity, and big big love. Ce’s unique therapy is grounded in the latest brain research, her own struggles raising traumatized children, and work with hundreds of families like ours. Her stories, contained in this book, are our stories: full of pain, confusion, hope, faith, love and practical magic that really works.
Elaine Smith, Adoptive Mother
Ce’s daily blog has been a lifesaver, particularly when days are most dreary and hopeless.  Not only have her words of empathy proven to be priceless to our family, but I have often forwarded them on to others.  Such a comfort to feel understood, with no judgment.
Patty O’Hair, Adoptive Mother
In a real sense “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” is a daily mediation of struggle, success, failure and getting up and trying again.  If that sounds like too much to subject yourself to then don’t adopt a challenging child.  And one more thing, shouldn’t we require prospective adoptive parents to read “Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents” rather than another ‘All they need is love’ manual?
Dave Ziegler, Ph.D., founder of Jasper Mountain Center and author of many books on raising children from difficult beginnings.

Stealing, Lying, Crying

Once upon a time there was a boy who felt bad inside about himself and he regularly did impulsive things that proved to himself and to others that he was indeed very bad to the core. One time this boy brought home something new from school every day. Each day his loving parents discovered the stolen item and administered some form of restorative justice, including a requirement to return the object with an apology. Of course, these weren’t the first stolen items they had come across and they were no strangers to the lies and crying admissions that came with the stealing.

This time, however, as the days rolled on and the stealing didn’t stop, the parents became frustrated and angry. They started to interpret these actions as innately criminal and heartless in nature. And, at the same time they personalized and interpreted the boy’s behavior as outright spite and disregard for them and their family ways, so they resorted to punishing him and saying mean, hurtful things. They were distraught and hopeless to ever get from this boy what they wanted–his goodness.

Sadly, the only time this boy felt “good” was when he was taking something he wanted or doing something he knew he shouldn’t.  In those moments, feeling good was the only thing that mattered.  Later, he felt disappointed that he got caught and ultimately sad about what he had done.  He knew his parents were exasperated with him and that they thought he was a bad seed because when they were really angry they said as much. What he knew for sure though was that deep down his feeling of badness was true.  He always felt that way and now everyone else knew it, too.

If the story ends here it is a tragedy.  If the parents find their compassion for the painful cycle this child from difficult beginnings is caught up in and help him understand his humanness; if they repair from the harsh things they said out of desperation and begin to reflect hope back at him in the kindness of their loving words and eyes, over time (sometimes a very long time) it will end up a hero’s journey for all.

You choose the ending for yourself.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no feeAdoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2ndWednesday of each month.  Next group is December 9th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Child care provided.
The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online atwww.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

When your child behaves badly, reflect understanding and goodness back.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

Dear Parent Teacher

Hello Ce,

I love this. Take a few minutes to listen to the smartest people I’ve heard from in a long time.

Brain Highways

Out of the mouths of our babes.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us. Child care provided.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Sexting And Adopted Children

This morning I was met with giggling and sheepish eye darting when both of my young adult children with questionable prefrontal cortices were telling me about their 17-year-old overnight guest last weekend who shared nothing less than a graphic video of anal sex downloaded from the internet. My kids were intrigued and scandalized at the same time. Both anxiously talked over one another, telling their similar versions of the same story, and how they independently got up and went to their respective rooms as soon as they realized what they were seeing. If this is true (and it seemed so), their mutual response was actually unusual.

I dare say many attachment-challenged children with poor executive function (as well as plenty of securely attached children with developing executive function), depending on age, would also be at once intrigued and scandalized. Also, they may be compelled to engage, watch repeatedly, and share further in the form of acting out what was seen–sexting it out, and possibly getting into serious hot water taking it all too far.

I encourage you to talk with all of your kids starting in 6th grade about texting rules and family expectations. While you are at it, share the law and legal consequences of sexting. Twenty percent of middle-schoolers with cell phones have received sexts. If your third grader happens to have access to one, then beware. This sexting abuse is happening at younger and younger ages all the time.

When my daughter was 14-years-old, she borrowed my cell phone for a quick call to a friend that lasted only five or so minutes. Later in the evening, from that school friend, I received a follow-up sext of his erect penis, up close and way too naked. I have no idea what she sent possibly prompting his sext, and it didn’t matter. She was 14, and he was 18. He committed a crime. The rest is history.

If your child is exhibiting poor judgment in other areas, you can assume the cell phone will be no exception. Set boundaries and keep them. It is okay for safety purposes to invade the privacy of a minor. No child NEEDS a cell phone. Every child NEEDS protection from him/herself when continually behaving unreliably and irresponsibly.

Sometimes we have to lend our brain power to our children while theirs is still under functioning. That may go on throughout the teen years well into young adulthood.

Breathe, dear parents, and carry on.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Raising kids in the age of technology–yikes.

…And Justice For All–Restorative Justice Best for Adoptive Children

I know you all are doubtful that it is possible to raise attachment challenged, traumatized children without punishing them for their poor behavior. The real challenge is resisting the parental urge to punish. What you can do instead is get extremely good at restorative justice.

For your child, restorative justice is labor intensive, pocket-book painful, and shame free. It is just this simple. If you break it or steal it, you pay for it from your own resources–allowance, birthday money, savings, holiday money, earned income. If you waste my time, you owe me. No money? No problem. Pay your debt by dusting baseboards, pulling weeds, cleaning out the gutters, sweeping the patio, skimming the pool, walking the dog…there are a zillion ways to pay off the repair of damage done or time spent repairing, waiting, searching, taxi-ing, etc.

The world works according to the principles of restorative justice. If you park too long, you pay a price. If you back into another car, you pay to fix it. If you put a hole in the wall, you repair it after shopping and paying for spackle. If you do not show up to a therapy appointment, you have to pay anyway. If you do not show up for work, you are fired and do not collect a paycheck. Restorative justice is educational and excellent training for the future.

Those are the kinds of consequences that make sense, restore justice, require responsible action, and have zero emotional expenditures if you can manage to regulate.

I can kind of hear a cry from many of you parents: What if they won’t do it? If they won’t, then they don’t get the next thing they want until they do restore justice. It’s a kind of barless jail. When bail is paid, life goes back to normal. Just like in real life. This can be your child’s real life. Give it a shot and stop punishing poor behavior. Punishment teaches nothing positive. Restorative justice teaches fairness.

Love Matters,
Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month. Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month. Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans. Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

…and justice for all.

Brain-based Parenting, What?

Brain-based parenting is one of the true keys to helping our complex, attachment challenged children become family kids.

Children with complex trauma and attachment breaches usually have reactive, stressed out brains.  They have very little access to their pre-frontal cortex, even when perfectly calm. That part of the brain is responsible for good judgment, organization, rational thought, language skills, cause and effect thinking, moral reasoning, and information recall.

Now toss some stress into the mix.  You know, surprise her with a sudden change of plans.  Tell him to quickly get ready for school.  Tell her do her homework with you or by herself without you.  Gently explain that his friend doesn’t want to play with him anymore because he doesn’t like being spat upon.  Challenge her to start that big project right now.  Shout, “Take the trash out!”  Give him an angry face.  Throw away a piece of trash/treasure from under the bed.  Confront her with a chore done poorly.  Hug him without his permission.  Tell her to change her too short skirt.  Hint about a surprise.  Remind him that Christmas is coming.  Nicely tell her to turn the TV off two minutes before the end of the show, and on and on.

If you were a brain-based parent, you would start all conversations with a request for a few deep breaths and a gentle reminder that nothing is wrong, that you are going to tell him something and he is not in trouble.  After that, you would say, “Ready?”  Wait for the all ready sign then slowly explain what comes next. “We are going over to Grandma’s house instead of to Uncle Tom’s house.”

I can hear your exasperation from here. Really? Are you kidding me? Do you realize that I have things to do, places to go, and no time for dilly-dallying?  I know. I know.

If you think slowing down to talk your child through the changes of every day life is like watching ice melt on a busy day, then consider the alternative. How much time does it take to get any kind of positive movement from your child once the stress hormone (cortisol) has kicked in, the pre-frontal cortex has gone off-line, and you have to resort to chasing him around the house, tackling him and making him put hisdarned shoes on now!  Fearful, raging, tantrums ensue.  Tick tock.  The clock did not stop and now you are an hour late (at least).

Two-minutes of proactive, brain-based parenting, can prevent hours of reactive, brain-based fall-out.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is November 11that a NEW time–5:30 pm. Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care. 

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates areDecember 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Take time for explaining, training, and listening to complaining.

Toxic Stress

Even when you have all the information about your child’s traumatized brain, every bit of therapeutic parenting advice, tons of therapy, and book piles to stop every door in your house, something may still have a stranglehold on your entire family. When it gets right down to it, toxic stress is the real culprit.  Your traumatized child has it and you have it, too.

The only way to change the toxic stress that is poisoning your family life is to get on board a huge parent self-care regimen for yourself and a daily felt safety diet for your child.  Sounds easy, but you know it isn’t.  Also, this regimen and diet will be for life, so you have to embrace it every day in order to live an emotionally, toxin-free life.

Today’s post is about the most important thing in the world–your self-care. Tomorrow, felt safety.

Self-care Regimen

  1. First and foremost: get out of denial.  Your child has special needs.  You need to pay attention to your needs first.  Put your oxygen mask on before assisting your child.  
  2. Respite needs to be your priority after the basics–food, water, air, shelter, hugs.
  3. A trained childcare provider is a must and a miracle.  Get two or three; train them; and pay those folks as well as you can because they matter a lot.
  4. Schedule respite breaks for yourself every day on your calendar, in your phone, on your To Do list. Schedule respite like it is a hard to get dental appointment that you will be charged for if you miss it.
  5. Care about yourself.  Care for your body.  Care about what you eat. Care about your sleep. Care about your love life.  Care about your friendships.  Care about your garden, animals, hobbies, creativity, passions, missions. Yes, you can fit everything into your life.  If you cannot, then you do not have a healthy life.  Think about that.
  6. Think about this while you are at it.  Attachment challenged, traumatized children do not need a full schedule of organized sports, dance lessons, piano recitals, playdates, extravagantvacations, and the latest kid stuff.  They need at least one (and two would be better) well cared for, emotionally present parent.

If that is all they ever have, they will be rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT

The Attach Place provides a monthly, no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is November 11th at a NEW time–5:30 pm.Join us.  Online RSVP each month required when you need child care. 

The Attach Place offers an 8-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course every other month.  Our next course dates are December 5th and 12th, 2015. Sign-up by calling 916-403-0588 x1 or email attachplace@yahoo.com.

The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.

Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Take a look at your calendar.  If the word respite does not appear there, get to it.