Hope, Expectation, and Disappointment

When parents have children, from day one there are implicit or maybe even explicit hopes for them.  Parents say, We want our child to grow up and be happy, and in our minds we often have a template, a blueprint for what “happy” means.  It is different for each parent, but the hopes generally exist.  Here are a few unconscious or conscious expectations:

  • Do well in school (Get As and Bs preferably, but Ds are failing)
  • Be a good person (Character, faith, conscience, family centric, stand up straight and puts a napkin across the lap)
  • Go to college (Because that is how one becomes successful)
  • Get a good job (White collar job preferably because, YOU know)
  • Find someone to love (Normal, educated, employed, responsible, possibly specific gender, possibly specific race, possibly specific class, possibly specific religion)
  • Be loved by someone (Normal, educated, employed, responsible, possibly specific gender, possibly specific race, possibly specific class, possibly specific religion)
  • Create a family (2.5 children with mortgaged white picket fence–home attached)
  • Be healthy (Have nothing go wrong with body or mind)
  • Be happy (Look and sound happy because all the points above were achieved)

Children put a kink in those expectations and from the beginning parents start to fear, fear for their own hopes for their children. Here is a word to the wise: support the child you see in front of you, rather than the one you have in your mind.  Attachment challenged or not, children have their own trajectories for their lives, which may be significantly different from the one you hold in your mind.

Love Matters,

Ce Eshelman, LMFT
The Attach Place Logo The Attach Place provides a monthly no fee Trust-based Adoptive Parent Support Group in Sacramento, every 2nd Wednesday of each month.  Next group is July 8th at 6pm. Come join us.  Online RSVP each month required.   Child care provided.
The Attach Place is offering a weekend workshop for couples on July 18th and 19th, 9am to 5pm each day, to help you create the loving relationship you want and deserve.   Jennifer Olden, MFT and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy Supervisor, will conduct a two-day Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop.  For more information, call Jennifer at The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships 916-403-0588, Ext 3.
The Attach Place offers a 10-hr. Trust-based Parenting Course  every other month.  Our next course begins July 25th and August 1st, 10am to 3pm each day.  Child care provided for an extra fee. Sign-up online at www.attachplace.com.
The Attach Place supports The Wounded Warrior Project by providing free neurofeedback to veterans.  Feel free to send a soldier our way for an assessment and 20 session course of treatment.
Feel free to send this link to friends or family members who you would like to receive Daily YOU Time: Wisdom for Adoptive Parents.

Intimate, loving attachment 
is about understanding and accepting your child as s/he is.

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