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Archive for book for adoptive parents

Take the Are You Ready To Adopt? Quiz

Dear Parents,

I made this little quiz to encourage people to sign up for my mastermind in August, but I thought I would send it to you for fun since most of you have definitely adopted already and don’t need a quiz to remind you.

I took the quiz myself from the perspective of where I was when I started the adoption process with my children 20 years ago.  Ha, had to laugh out loud when I got my own results.  I’m sure you can guess what mine was if you know me even slightly.

Take the Quiz Here

I hope you are having a terrific, trauma-informed, summer Tuesday.

Love matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar

Look what is coming at the end of August…August 28th to be exact–Love Matters Parenting Mastermind.
Love Matters Parenting Mastermind for a THRIVING Life with Children from Difficult Beginnings

UPCOMING In-Office ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:   Adoptive Parent Support Group, August 14, 2019.   Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm online. Open to the public.  Free childcare provided.

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public.  NEW DAY: Every third Monday from 5:30 to 7pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks. This is a  monthly social group for the youth; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. There will also be occasional fun field trips, like bowling, ice skating, roller skating, etc. A donation of $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

GIVE A BOOK OF SUPPORT TO A FELLOW PARENT ON THE ADOPTION JOURNEY: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  Buy from Amazon or order a discounted copy here.

 

 

 

Ten Therapeutic Parenting Principles to Snack On

Dear Parents,

Here are 10 Therapeutic Parenting Principles; not the only 10 Therapeutic Principles because there are many more.

10 Therapeutic Parenting Principles

  1. Be safe parents to attach to.  Safety over compliance is important in therapeutic parenting. Keep your faces and eyes soft.  If you are upset, give yourself a time out to someplace kid free until you can get your soft face back.  If the child insists on talking, insist on space for yourself first.  If the child badgers you, sit silently and read a book.  Offer the child a seat beside you. Promise to talk when you have calmed down.  This models affect (emotional) regulation.
  2. Punishment does not work.  Consequences do not work.  Emotional discussions do not work.  Rejection does not work.  Threatening does not work.  Spanking, hitting or physical force does not work.  Time out in isolation does not work.  Reasoning with a dysregulated child never works. So what works, you ask?  Emotionally regulated parent(s) using soft-eye nurture, empathy, engagement, and structure works to create the safety necessary to attach which is necessary for positive behavior change.
  3. Stop yourselves from talking, talking, talking to the child.  This will create tuning out, blank stares, and dissociation.  “Please remember that plastic can’t be microwaved, honey.”  “Thank you for quickly stopping and doing what I asked you to do.”  “Would you speak loudly please, or I won’t be able to answer you otherwise.” “When you are ready to finish your chores, then we can get on with the fun part of the day.”
  4. Be on the same page with your co-parent.  Use wait time to decide what to do.  Consult each other before making parenting decisions.  It is okay to say, “Something will happen, though I’m going to talk with Mom or Dad before deciding.”
  5. Stay calm.  Respond calmly and quickly only to real (not imagined) safety concerns that impact siblings, Mom or Dad, pets, or others. You can include property in this, but be careful. Sometimes “things” become more important than the heart of the child and that will not work long term.  Use appropriately measured restitution for property destruction instead of emotional punishment or consequences. Have the restitution discussion only when all are emotionally regulated.
  6. Do not follow, lead.  Your child needs you to be the leader.  If there are choices to give, you initiate them and you give them with empathy and understanding.  This is the kind of structure and nurture an attachment challenged child needs to feel safe.
  7. Avoid saying “no.”  This is very difficult.  Find a way to say yes.  “Yes, you can play with friends, when we come back from the store.”  “Yes, you can have candy after dinner.”  If badgering ensues, instead of ramping up your voice and thereby the emotional stakes, be a calm, broken record “Yes, after dinner.  Yes, honey, after dinner.”   Another way not to have to say “no” is to ask the child what s/he thinks the answer is?  Ignore most negative behavior.  You get more of what you focus on, so focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.  Ignore the rest. Appreciate, compliment, and thank the child for behavior you want.  Give these things in a neutral tone rather than an exuberant tone.  Good behavior creates BIG anxiety in challenged children because they fear they will not be able to keep it up (as they think they are inherently bad somehow and it is only a matter of time before they do bad behavior).  These kids sabotage themselves, so avoid big build up to going places, seeing someone special, or getting to do or get something great.  The child will find some way to mess up the experience.  This is due to a number of internalized messages, but largely excitement dysregulation, anticipation anxiety dysregulation, and internalized negative self-concept dysregulation.  Operative word–dysregulation.
  8. Wait for regulation. Process situations with your child only when everyone is emotionally regulated.  If one of you gets dysregulated during a discussion, simply say, “Let’s stop for now and finish this conversation later when we can all be calm.”   Almost nothing requires a talk RIGHT NOW.
  9. Play, be silly, and laugh together.  Play is extremely important with challenged children. Use the therapeutic principles in Theraplay by Booth and Jernberg–Structure, Engagement, Challenge, and Nurture.  Stay away from winner/loser games.  Try not to keep score even if the game usually is scored.   Be lovingly physical.  Roll around on the floor together and switch up the play when the energy gets too high or too low.  Traumatized children get dysregulated by fun, too. That doesn’t mean they should never have it.
  10. Give lots of hugs and kisses on your terms.  It is okay to give them on the child’s terms, too; however, not only on the child’s terms.  If this is a problem and it often is, then get your therapist’s support for ways to change the dynamic.

Feel free to pass this along to any parents you think are struggling with trauma manifesting in their children.  Bottom line:  Most parents of traumatized children need the support of an attachment-based, trauma-informed therapist or team of trauma-informed professionals, and lots of respite.

For every ten principles, there are 10 more. You have plenty of time to grow.

Love matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar

Look what is coming at the end of August…August 28th to be exact

For more Mastermind information, click here.

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public.  NEW DAY: Every third Monday from 5:30 to 7pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks. This is a  monthly social group for the youth; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. There will also be occasional fun field trips, like bowling, ice skating, roller skating, etc. A donation of $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

UPCOMING ONLINE ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:   Adoptive Parent Support Group, July 10th, 2019.   Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm online. Open to the public.  If you would like a link to the webinar, reply to this post with Adoption Support Group in the subject line.

GIVE A BOOK OF SUPPORT TO A FELLOW PARENT ON THE ADOPTION JOURNEY: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  Buy from Amazon or order a discounted copy here.

 

 

Fix Less, Accept More

Dear Parents,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

What follows is not criticism.  It is a chance to acknowledge to yourself, “I got this,” or to see you have some growing to do as a parent of children from difficult beginnings.  Personally, I am always the latter, despite all I know.  Here goes.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you spent a lot of time trying to get the other person to change?

If you would learn to share your feelings…

If you would try to think about me once in a while…

If you were more motivated to grow…

If you were more considerate…

If you liked my family…

If you would go out more…

If you were more adventurous…

If you were more spontaneous…

If you were more reliable…

If you were more positive…

If you weren’t so negative…

If you weren’t so judgmental…

If you would care more about how you look…

If you would care less about what others think…

If you liked to hang out with my friends…

If you had more friends…

If you helped around the house more…

If you didn’t have so many big feelings all the time…

If you would just be happy…

If you weren’t so miserable…

If you worked less…

If you worked more…

If I felt more loved…

Then…what?  I would feel better. I would accept you. I would love you.

That relationship didn’t work out very well, did it?  Or, that relationship isn’t going very well now, is it?

For a moment, think about your relationship with your attachment challenged, traumatized child. Do you have an “If…then” list?

If you would just be normal…

If you would act your age…

If you could stop bouncing off the walls…

If you could stop talking all the time…

If you would just tell me what you feel…

If you would clean your room…

If you would tell the truth…

If you were trustworthy…

If you were honest…

If you were less self-centered…

If you would think about the rest of the family…

If you would take less and give more…

If you would do your homework…

If you would try harder…

If you were pleasant to be around…

If you brushed your teeth, showered, zipped…

If you would stop badgering me…

If you would act right…

If you would do the right thing…

If you weren’t always making me crazy…

If you would stop scaring me…

If you didn’t need so much supervision…

If you weren’t so needy…

If you weren’t so helpless…

If you would just grow up…

If you would show some love…

If you would stop controlling…

If you would stop throwing tantrums…

If you would accept some love…

If you would trust me…

If you would get better…

Then…what?  I would feel better. I would accept you. I would love you.

Enough said, right?

I am always fighting my own “If…then” stink’in think’in.  It keeps me from being present, from accepting, from being a loving person.  Love is free, not an “if-then” proposition. I am a work in progress. How about you? Steady on.

Love matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar

Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held in January 2019, from 10 am to 4 pm.  Childcare provided for an additional fee. CALVCB will reimburse this training. Register here or on our website!

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. November 19, 2018from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks. This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Click Here to join our monthly  Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 14, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE A BOOK OF SUPPORT TO A FELLOW PARENT ON THE ADOPTION JOURNEY: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  Buy from Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

 

Neurofeedback Solutions for reducing the intensity of Developmental Trauma symptoms in foster and adoptive children and their parents.  Get more information here.

Change Your Child’s Brain / Change Your Child’s Life

 

 

Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease, or Lie

Dear Parents,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Is your child’s lying a sign of pathology or future doom? Is it disrespectful and an indicator that your child is morally bankrupt?  I know you have thoughts, at least, if not outright accusations leveled toward your child of his/her untrustworthiness.  I sure thought worse and said plenty to my children that I regret before I knew what was happening.

There is evolving research that there is a fifth neuro-biologically driven addition to the sympathetic nervous system’s response to perceived threat or danger.  Faced with extreme stress, human’s have four survival modes–fight, flight, freeze, or appease. It seems the new self-protective mechanism is lying–fib your way out.  Can’t run, can’t hit, staring like a deer in the headlights won’t work, better run then with a tall tale.  If it works for even a brief moment, the limbic part of the brain that has just shot into a neuro-cascade of stress hormones–adrenaline and cortisol–now gets a reward to the brain when the lie allows for a momentary reprieve from danger in the form of  a) parental disapproval, b) parental punishment, c) shame feelings, d) lowered self-esteem and self-efficacy.  In essence, lying works to help the child survive a little bit longer physically, emotionally, and socially.  While it is often short-lived and short-sighted, lying works in the moment to lift the threat.  Win/Win on the level of brain function.

What I’ve just described, happens every day in our homes with children from difficult beginnings because Developmental Trauma has impaired the development of the pre-frontal cortex where executive function with higher order thought resides.

There are three functions that lend your child’s brain to lying:

Weak Inhibition: Impulsivity and the inability to stop an action.  Under pressure to respond to a stressful parental question like “Did you do xyz?”,  verbal communication jumps out before logical thought has kicked in.

Poor Emotion Regulation: Extreme overwhelming fear response in the face of a stressful situation–parental punishment, disapproval, rejection, lowered value, shame, past abuse imprints.

Faulty Working Memory: Poor planning for getting “found out” in the heat of the current moment. Inability to apply prior teaching and coaching from the recent past to the present.

Early Imprint: If your child comes home to you after being harmed by any kind of abuse, including neglect, and by the nature of fostering/adoption there is also at least one–if not many–attachment breach, your child’s brain is pre-conditioned and hardwired to distrust parents, even in the absence of evidence that the current parent is untrustworthy.  Chronically projecting the past onto the present is a hallmark of Developmental Trauma.

What is the answer then for caregivers? 

Well, it is not as easy to extinguish lying as it is to understand the neuroscience of it.  Imagine that.

  1.  Use PACE in all your interactions with your child.  This is an attitude of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy.  This is how we ought to treat all children regardless of their beginnings because it is loving and respectful to their budding humanness.
  2. Use soft, empathic questioning to help prepare your child to tell the truth. Are you worried about getting into big trouble or about my disappointment?  Sweetheart, I know it is hard for you to tell me the truth when you are afraid of getting into trouble and feeling bad.  I understand that and I don’t want you to be in trouble or to be afraid of bad feelings inside or outside.  I am only interested in you being able to tell the truth.  There will be no trouble.  I promise. Parents, be sure to keep that promise if you make it.
  3. Give space for the child to regulate and allow room for a thoughtful response, rather than an impulsive one. So, Let’s take a few minutes to think before we talk.  This is hard for parents to do.  We seem to be impulsive about lying, too.  Did you take that candy from your teacher?  Tell me right now.  Since you already know the answer, don’t bother to ask. Making a demand to tell the truth will definitely set the survival lower brain processes into action. It is a setup for lying.
  4. Regulate with your child.  Admit it, you get dysregulated, too, when your child lies. We parents often feel wildly disrespected by lying.  We also feel intense fear that our child is going to be unsuccessful in life if lying persists into adulthood.  When a child is 8, 9, 10 years old, you can be sure lying is not the precursor for a school to prison pipeline.
  5. Resist the urge to teach by punishing the crime that is being lied about.  Reward the truth with a reprieve from the negative consequences of your disappointment, anger, or loss of stature in your eyes. Withhold punishment of any kind to create felt safety.  Brainstorm a restorative justice response with your child once all the truth is out and the regulation is back to normal. Restorative justice is doing a kindness like a chore for someone wronged.  Or it might be writing a letter of apology.  It could be repairing something broken and paying for the supplies out of birthday money or allowance.

None of this will make lying go away.  It is the last survival behavior to go, so be prepared to regulated over the long haul.  As your child ages into adulthood, you will have instilled a habit of telling the truth.  Isn’t that the point after all?

Love matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar

Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held in November 10, 2018 from 10 am to 4 pmChildcare provided for an additional fee. CALVCB will reimburse this training. Register here or on our website!

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. October 19th, 2018 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks. This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Click Here to join our monthly  Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on October 10th, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT TO A FELLOW ADOPTION ADVENTURER: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  At Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

 

 

 

Dad’s Are Bad

Dear Parents:

Couples Blog

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Dad’s are badass, I mean.  You are the ever-present man behind the woman behind the kid.  And, in some cases, you are the man behind the man behind the kid.  Sometimes you are solely the man behind the kid.  Every kid needs a dad like you–engaged, connected, courageous, and badass.

You may not get a peaceful Sunday relaxing in the environment of your choosing, but you sure do deserve it. You may even get overlooked in the hubbub of the celebration tomorrow–Where’s Dad?

Rest assured.  You are seen.  You are a gift in the life of your child.  Celebrate your day.  Just like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is every day.  You matter immensely in the life of your family and you are badass to boot.

Love matters,

Ce

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar (Click Here)

SPECIAL REPEAT: Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held on July 14th, 2018 from 9 am to 4 pm.  Childcare provided for an additional fee. CALVCB will reimburse this training. Register here or on our website!

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. July 20th, 2018 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–5-7 yrs and 8-10 yrs. groups. The 5-wk group will be $125 total, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  New groups will begin again August 4th, 2018.  Click here for more information.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Click Here to join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on July 11th, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT TO A FELLOW ADOPTION ADVENTURER: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  At Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

 

Advanced Reads

Dear Parent,

It occurs to me that those of you who already read the books I recommended in the last blog might want some advanced summer reading.  Here are my picks for those who enjoy a good complex read about the neuroscience of healing trauma from the inside out:

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk (how PTSD unfolds in the body and treatment guidelines)

It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn (how our inherited trauma shapes our lives and what to do about it)

Healing Trauma by Peter Levine (step by step approach for parents to heal their own childhood trauma with CD)

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters and a good book,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled for June 18th and 23rd from noon to 4pm. Email Ce@attachplace.com to register.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
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You can find Ce’s book on Amazon.com.  Don’t forget to leave a review.

Coherent Narratives

Dear Parent,

You might not know this about me (amidst all you do know):  I am a closet poet.  I used to be less closeted about it. Thought for awhile I would actually call myself a poet.  But that was when I was younger and had not yet found my calling (or read any real poets.) Yesterday, I wrote a little blog about mothers and one of my readers mistook it as a poem. She said it sounded like one.  It really wasn’t, though her comments sparked a memory that I was once a writer of poems.

In a minute I am going to share an actual poem I wrote some thirty years ago when I was wrestling with the notion of having a coherent narrative–that was long before I ever knew there was such a thing.  All of my life to that point, I had been trying to figure out what really happened in my childhood.  If you have read my book, you know more about that than you probably want.  Still, I tried to get coherent about my personal history before I was a therapist and before I was an adoptive mother.  I had no idea at the time why, except a nagging feeling that I would feel better if I understood my childhood better. Now I do know, and I want you to know so you begin to think about getting your narrative into coherent shape, too.  If you do, your relationship with your adoptive children will get better.

When you hear the angry sound of your mother’s words and voice tone coming out of your mouth while upset or challenged by your children, then you can know that your narrative has a bit of incoherence in it.  You are acting out the imprinted parenting of your childhood, perhaps without mindfulness.  The question is:  Do you want to be the same as your parent when she/he was upset?  If your parent was great, then the answer will most likely be yes.  If your parent was not so much great, then you might want to become more thoughtful yourself about your personal childhood story.

A well understood story is the beginning of a life well lived.  An incoherent, buried, denied or rejected story, may wreak havoc in your life, especially in your parenting life.  It is never too late to have a well examine childhood or to change a painful bout of parenting missteps into compassion for yourself and your child.

This is a poem about my mother.  It was my first attempt at a coherent narrative.

Identities

For that moment at least

I was you—

            from “Images of Godard”

            —Adrienne Rich

 

I remember a snapshot of you

and a Christmas turkey losing its wing to the blade of your

butcher’s knife

the camera’s flash caught the point

throwing white light across your face

leaving only the turkey focused

 

I remember about you      but I can’t quite see your face

your face that looked like me      Grandma says

like me when I’m angry or napping

you had fiery red hair stacked tall on your head

and there was some family joke about Dad

standing on a milk crate in a long lost portrait

trying to be taller     taller than you and your persona

“We never messed with your Mom” teased the men from the shop

where you worked your knuckles red and chapped

stripping flesh from bone     slicing muscle from fat

“She was a tough lady” they smiled fear lined admiration

no woman could match your easy wit and razor sharp tongue

no woman of your apron bound generation

 

Holding my shoulders high like you

my tongue as sharp and fiery

I sometimes scar others as you once scarred me

 

Passing the butcher shop today

I glimpsed my reflection

in the storefront window

and for a brief moment     my hands ached

and I knew myself as you

 

Love matters,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Ce

 

Ce Eshelman, LMFT is an attachment therapist, adoptive mother, stepmother, guardian mother, dog/cat mother, grandmother, not her husband’s mother, and author of:

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Available on Amazon.com.

High Road Parenting

Dear Parents,

Dan Siegel, MD coined the term “high road parenting” in his book Parenting From the Inside Out–one of my favorites for helping parents understand their mission as parents and how to achieve it.  High road parenting isn’t any different from high road anything.

When one is cut off on the freeway, high road driving is called for–not the middle finger with a side of Mad Max road rage.  When one’s mother-in-law looks sideways at you while referring to today’s slackers, high road son-in-law behavior is ignoring the slight and offering her another piece of cherry pie.  When your partner, under stress, acts a tiny bit “hole-ish,” high road loving is to ask if you can do something to help–instead of “hole-ing” back an insult of greater proportion.  Where is the love, baby?

Taking the high road may seem like being a doormat, and I am not suggesting that at all. It is perfectly fine to kindly take care of yourself.  I am, however, saying that the world is a better place when people are attached to their own humanity and the humanity of others. Relationships are stronger when we treat them with love and respect in the face of adversity.  And parenting is healing when it is served up with a dose of kindness, empathy and sensitivity to the wounded hearts of our traumatized children.

The next time you get to a crossroads during a moment of heightened stress, take a moment; take a breath; and choose to take the higher road.  You and those around you will be grateful for your personal awareness and your dedication to being love in action.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

picture of cover

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go toAmazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

Never Underestimate Dysregulation

Dear Parents,

I had a therapy session today with an eleven-year-old boy whose dysregulated state looked just like paranoid schizophrenia.  If his parents were not there to tell me he is not always that way, hands down, I would have misdiagnosed him.  He was dysregulated by my miscalculation about his tolerance for role play.  Instead of getting my point (which I genuinely thought he would), he became humiliated and interpreted me as simply mimicking him.  I didn’t mean to humiliate him though, and he couldn’t recover despite my apology.

That is a bad feeling.  I don’t usually use that method to break through a child’s defense and now I remember why.  It sometimes backfires in a big way.  I hope I can gain his trust back.

If you are a parent who is prone to sarcasm, you may have found yourself resorting to mimicry to get your point across to your attachment challenged child. Take a lesson from me, they have tender underbellies and little tolerance for the gut-stabbing feeling of humiliation. The wound can be deep and long lasting.

Make yourself as safe as you possibly can to the tender parts of your defense-protected child. Our children need to trust we will not hurt them.  I will be making great effort to get this young boy’s trust back.  If you have hurt your child, on purpose or by accident, work very hard to re-establish trust and safety by making a sincere apology and taking the high road every chance you get.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
picture of cover

Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents

 

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go to Amazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

Gotta Love ‘Em

Dear Parents,

No matter what, we gotta love ’em.

[Of-course, in text…] Hey Mom, a big white truck hit our new car.  Here is a pic.  It ran into us and then just drove off.  We are calling the police now.  We didn’t do it, Mom.  I promise.  What should we do now? 

I got insurance for you, so maybe call the number on the card, right?

What do we say?

You and the mouse who was driving should say the truth about what happened.

Oh, okay Mom, we will. Thanks Mom. We didn’t do anything wrong, Mom. I promise.

Yes, I got that.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

The next 8 hr. Trust Based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12noon to 4pm.  $200 per couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go to Amazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire. Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.
To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.