Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Oh, the conundrum of lying to children.
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Oh, the conundrum of lying to children.
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
YOU are a precious child in my eyes. Make sure your eyes are saying that.
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
Ce Eshelman, LMFT
There is a part of me that wishes I didn’t have so darned much to offer in this daily email. I wish my life were smooth as silk and I woke up each morning digging through the reference books for something salient to say that would help you, rather than simply tuning into my own life and drawing from here. I know this way is more helpful to YOU. I know it is and that, of course, is why I write it. I want desperately for my attachment challenged life to have meaning beyond itself…that is the “why” I write this for me.
So many times I have listened to parents lamenting the relentless disappointment that comes with the two step forward, one (or three) step back way our children have of learning. It is so bewildering and yet so much “how it is.”
This week I had such a wonderful all-nighter talk-a-thon with my 17-year-old son that I felt my heart fill with renewed energy and soar. I know many of your hearts soared with me. And, I am pleased by that.
Yesterday, “three steps back” arrived in the form of my T-Mobile phone bill. I discovered $80.00 in gaming money surreptitiously charged to my phone. Sure wasn’t me. To his credit, my son did not lie or deny. He said he felt ashamed and retreated under his bed covers. Unfortunately, his dysregulation was great, so he skipped his chores, failed to keep a promise, and broke a house rule that day. When I got home from work last night, he was still under the covers.
An hour later he appeared in my doorway whispering, “I’m sorry.”
Wait for it…
Emotionlessly, “Saying I am sorry won’t fix all of this this time.”
Back under the covers for another day, no doubt. What in the world would prevent me from saying, “Thank you for the apology honey; let’s talk about it”? Answer: painful disappointment.
Life is so delicious. The highs and the lows make it worth living though. I am still learning to be loving in the face of my own dysregulating emotions. Upside: I didn’t yell or scold or punish. I did, in the end, reject him, which shamed and caused his internalized self-hatred to spike through the roof.
Did I really need to do that to him? Didn’t he punish himself enough already? Wasn’t my own disappointment enough? Did I really need to rub it in, push away, incur abandonment panic in both directions?
I hope there is something in this tale for YOU. There is nothing wrong with being accepting when your child has disappointed YOU. It is okay; it is beautiful; it is forgiving; it is big-hearted; it is the definition love. And love matters.
My children and I have something in common. We have all three been scared “to death” in our lives and survived to see another day. That kind of trauma can have varying impacts on people. Some become more fearful and others repress fear completely, thus NO FEAR (or any other feeling for that matter.)
Eventually, the feelings of fear must be uncovered, so life can be engaged with appropriate amounts of risk taking and caution. I think my children have work to do in this arena. When my daughter calls in tears about how scared she is to be on her own, I hear the grief and work to soothe her. My son still glazes over to avoid his fears. There is more processing to be done for them to emerge feeling safe inside themselves and in the world.
Felt safety needs to be our parenting goal for our children, so they can face forward without fear and with love in their own lives.
A parent who is also a therapist sent me this link explaining an issue that had been perplexing her about her daughter. She found the discussion very helpful, so I am passing it along to YOU.