Archive for attachment challenged

Murphy’s Law: Heaters Bust at the Door to Winter

Dear Parents,

Why do heaters stop working the second the temperature outside drops below 50 degrees? Don’t answer that.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

I am thinking about love. Despite all of my references to love, I am not a particularly touchy-feely person.  I am more of a brutally honest, blunt pragmatist with a huge dose of life experience that led me down a twisty-turny path to a few solid beliefs.  Here they are:

  • Life is too long and too short to be “small-minded.”
  • Nothing but love really matters in the beginning, middle, or end.
  • Love is a commitment and an attitude of generous abundance and acceptance, not a feeling.
  • Giving away love doesn’t hurt one little bit or cost one little cent; it’s free and healing.

I discovered somewhere along the line that I can love anyone, even people I don’t particularly want to have even a cappuccino with.  Love is an attitude with an open heart.

How this relates to attachment challenged, traumatized children is simple. If love is an attitude, with or without feeling, then it is possible to give generous abundance and acceptance in the face of our children’s biggest and most painful shenanigans.

Love is about the lover, not about the perceived lovability or worthiness of the beloved.

Just a little something to chew on.

Love matters,

Ce

Love begets love eventually.

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar

Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held on November 10, 2018 from 10 am to 4 pmChildcare provided for an additional fee. CALVCB will reimburse this training. Register here or on our website!

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. October 19th, 2018 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks. This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Click Here to join our monthly  Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on October 10th, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT TO A FELLOW ADOPTION ADVENTURER: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  At Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

 

 

Free Online Trauma Sensitive Schools Summit

Dear Parents:
My name rarely appears on the same list as attachment expert Dan Siegel, MD, so I am humbled to share this with you.  I hope you can make it to this conference and share it with your child’s school administrators, counselors, and teachers.  It is a rare, free opportunity to get trauma-informed. 
It is time that our children were supported at school in the same way we support them at home.  It is going to take all of us to uplift schools.  This is a great way to start the ball rolling or move it farther along.
Love matters,
Ce
TRAUMA-SENSITIVE PARENTING SUMMIT 
Airs September 18-23… FREE
ATN’s Parenting Program has rounded up some incredible experts in the field of parenting traumatized children. This online summit will airs September 18-23, 2018 and feature 18 interviews, including:
  • Dr. Dan Siegel
  • Karen Buckwalter, LCSW
  • Christine Moers
  • Billy Kaplan, LCSW
  • Sarah Naish
  • Ce Eshleman, LMFT
And more…
Register here for this FREE summit (tune in with your computer, tablet or phone) and you’ll receive emails telling you how to access the interviews when they air. The videos and transcripts will also be available for purchase before and after the summit…so you can share this wisdom with others.

 

The Attach Place Upcoming Events Calendar (Click Here)

RESERVE YOUR SPOT: Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held on June 9th, 2018 from 9 am to 4 pm.  childcare provided for an additional fee. Register here or on our website!

AUTISM Support Group:  Monthly Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. May 18th, 2018 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–5-7 yrs and 8-10 yrs. groups. The 5-wk group will be $125 total, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  New groups will begin again in August 2018.  Click here for more information.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Click Here to join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on June 13th, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT TO A FELLOW ADOPTION ADVENTURER: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  At Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

Type A Parenting Begets Stressed Children

Dear Parents:

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Sometimes we parents are seriously Type A toward our traumatized children.  We are forever working our kids to be better, be focused, be kinder, be organized, be mature, be motivated, be “normal.”  Wha?  Our kids by definition are working as hard as they can to figure out how to feel safe in their own skins in their adoptive families. This thing called family life is complex and filled with emotional landmines.

From where your child began, stop and notice how far s/he has come. Give yourselves a little break from bettering every moment. Slow down. There is time.  Every imperfection is not an emergency.  It just feels like it.

Lift your head up from the grindstone.  It’s nice up here.

Love matters,

Ce 

Upcoming Events Calendar and Other Things in Sacramento…

NEW DATE: Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting Class for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings by Ce Eshelman, LMFT will be held on February 17th from 9am to 4pm.  Register here or on our website!

Tell your friends: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. Open to the public. February 16th, 2018 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Gluten-free snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough snacks, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for food and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–5-7 yrs group. The 5-wk group will be $120 total, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  New groups will begin again in March, 2018.  Contact Ce at Ce@attachplace.com for more details.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on Valentine’s DayFebruary 14th, 2018! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

GIVE MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT TO A FELLOW ADOPTION ADVENTURER: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.  At Amazon or get a discounted copy here.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

      

 

 

           

Spanking Is Anachronistic

Dear Parent,

I’ve been on a bit of a rant recently about stopping the dead end, research uninformed, culturally sanctioned (behind closed doors) childrearing practice of inflicting pain to get a child to learn.  Sorry about the ranting, but I just gotta do it a little more.

Perhaps it would be helpful to talk about the role rage and anger play in the culturally sanctioned (behind closed doors) childrearing practice.  When we hit our children in anger and/or rage, we are abusing them.  That’s the plain truth.  Have I ever hit my child in anger?  Yes, and if you have read my book or my blog, you know my children feared me because I consciously set about putting the “fear of God” into them. Frankly, I thought I needed to do that because they showed very little fear in the face of my best Joan Crawford, Mommy Dearest, hairy eye-ball.  It followed, in my mind, that the lack of parental fear at 3- and 4-years-old would certainly lead to them becoming axe murdering criminals in their later years.  I know many of you fear this. I went so far as to actually fear they would kill me in my sleep.  Fear is cra cra like that.

What I didn’t know then is what I can share with you today.  That lack of fear I saw in their faces was frozen terror from trauma caused by the several parents that came before me. My kids showed up in pure terror, and I didn’t help things by resorting to anger and rage over their lack of respect for my authority.

I am here to tell you that my children were never going to be axe murderers.  That was fearful, catastrophic thinking from the loss of my illusion of control.  My children didn’t need to fear me to do what they were told, thy needed to trust me to do what I asked.  I was so confused in the beginning of raising my very challenged and traumatized children that I couldn’t see how challenged and challenging I was.  I couldn’t think clearly myself, so I guess it makes some kind of twisted sense that I would try to teach my children not to hit by hitting them.

I was expecting ordinary child mischief from my kids and they were dishing out exponential amounts of B-movie ruckus. If I had know that they needed more TLC than the average child; more understanding; nerves of steel on my part; and the patience of a running river to keep the high road, maybe I would have held structure and bathed them in nurture.  Maybe. I’m not sure, but I hope so.

How cra cra do you get in the face of your child’s lack of trust in your parental authority?  If you are calling it defiance, opposition, resistance, evil, calculated, rejecting, soulless, heartless, or hateful, then I know you need help seeing your child for who s/he really is–a traumatized, terrorized, wounded child who needs lots of consistent structure, consistent nurture, and years of patient loving persistence.  If you aren’t giving your child those last three things, you need to get yourself some help to do it. Otherwise, it just gets worse, and no amount of spanking will change their fear into trust.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

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Ce Eshelman, LMFT, is an attachment specialist, adoptive mother, stepmother, guardian mother, dog/cat mother, grandmother, not her husband’s mother, and author of:

Available on Amazon.com.

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents blog, click here.
The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training course is scheduled for June 18th and 25th from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.
TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

Neglect Damages A Baby’s Brain

Dear Parent,

All child abuse damages the brain of the child.  Let’s be 100% clear about that.  The research is in. It turns out that neglect in childhood actually impacts more of the developing brain than physical abuse.  Avoidant, dismissive, detached, absent, absent-minded, inconsistent, careless, disengaged, not-good-enough neglectful parenting prevents the regulatory, sensory, neurological, digestive, and sympathetic systems from wiring and firing properly from the git-go.

Damage from neglect lasts a lifetime and is often missed or misdiagnosed, so treatment is often non-existent or incorrect; that makes a sad situation worse.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June 18th and 25th from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

picture of cover

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go toAmazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

Get A Free Copy Of My Book, YES!

Dear Parents,

Enter my Amazon.com book giveaway to get a free copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents.  Why not, right?

See this #AmazonGiveaway for a chance to win: Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents. #adoption https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/00c6ea1f13bdecdf

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends May 4, 2016 11:59 PM PDT, or when all prizes are claimed. See Official Rules http://amzn.to/GArules.

When you win, don’t forget to leave a review on Amazon.com.  Apparently, that’s the way one sells books.

Attachment Help

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here. 

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

picture of cover

 

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go toAmazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

Enter my Amazon.com book giveaway to get a free copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents.  Why not, right?

See this #AmazonGiveaway for a chance to win: Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents. https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/00c6ea1f13bdecdf

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends May 4, 2016 11:59 PM PDT, or when all prizes are claimed. See Official Rules http://amzn.to/GArules.

What Is It About Me?

Dear Parents,

Today I received a text from one of my beautiful, not-adopted children.  It read, My friend, (girl I know from the group home), asked to move in with us. I told her no, there isn’t enough room.

Boy howdy, she got that right. There are so many toothbrushes around here I have taken to keeping mine in my bedroom. The daily chore list takes up two pages because there are so many people to make “chore annoyed” every day. The bright side is that I rarely have chores to do myself.  I can’t say they are always done well, but they are always attempted.  I’m usually okay with attempted chores.  There is something special about living with four people who have proprioception issues.  Almost nothing gets wiped down well.  Eh, I’m getting used to sticky everything.

One of my precious colleagues implies, nearly daily, that I have sucker stamped on me somewhere. I think the kids secretly take turns writing it on my back while I sleep. Seems I can’t see it.  Apparently cats and dogs know it’s there, too.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

picture of cover

 

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go toAmazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

High Road Parenting

Dear Parents,

Dan Siegel, MD coined the term “high road parenting” in his book Parenting From the Inside Out–one of my favorites for helping parents understand their mission as parents and how to achieve it.  High road parenting isn’t any different from high road anything.

When one is cut off on the freeway, high road driving is called for–not the middle finger with a side of Mad Max road rage.  When one’s mother-in-law looks sideways at you while referring to today’s slackers, high road son-in-law behavior is ignoring the slight and offering her another piece of cherry pie.  When your partner, under stress, acts a tiny bit “hole-ish,” high road loving is to ask if you can do something to help–instead of “hole-ing” back an insult of greater proportion.  Where is the love, baby?

Taking the high road may seem like being a doormat, and I am not suggesting that at all. It is perfectly fine to kindly take care of yourself.  I am, however, saying that the world is a better place when people are attached to their own humanity and the humanity of others. Relationships are stronger when we treat them with love and respect in the face of adversity.  And parenting is healing when it is served up with a dose of kindness, empathy and sensitivity to the wounded hearts of our traumatized children.

The next time you get to a crossroads during a moment of heightened stress, take a moment; take a breath; and choose to take the higher road.  You and those around you will be grateful for your personal awareness and your dedication to being love in action.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.

picture of cover

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go toAmazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

Never Underestimate Dysregulation

Dear Parents,

I had a therapy session today with an eleven-year-old boy whose dysregulated state looked just like paranoid schizophrenia.  If his parents were not there to tell me he is not always that way, hands down, I would have misdiagnosed him.  He was dysregulated by my miscalculation about his tolerance for role play.  Instead of getting my point (which I genuinely thought he would), he became humiliated and interpreted me as simply mimicking him.  I didn’t mean to humiliate him though, and he couldn’t recover despite my apology.

That is a bad feeling.  I don’t usually use that method to break through a child’s defense and now I remember why.  It sometimes backfires in a big way.  I hope I can gain his trust back.

If you are a parent who is prone to sarcasm, you may have found yourself resorting to mimicry to get your point across to your attachment challenged child. Take a lesson from me, they have tender underbellies and little tolerance for the gut-stabbing feeling of humiliation. The wound can be deep and long lasting.

Make yourself as safe as you possibly can to the tender parts of your defense-protected child. Our children need to trust we will not hurt them.  I will be making great effort to get this young boy’s trust back.  If you have hurt your child, on purpose or by accident, work very hard to re-establish trust and safety by making a sincere apology and taking the high road every chance you get.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled in June (TBD) from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Ce@attachplace.com and I will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
picture of cover

Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents

 

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go to Amazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.

This Really Is My Life

Dear Parents,

I took my 20-year-old daughter for a psychiatric evaluation today.  I have somehow escaped this for the last two years, since she became an adult.  I offered to pay for an eval outside the Medi-Cal system in order to get a legitimate diagnosis and medication that is not dependent on the amount of money one can pay.  So, today was the day.

In a very short period of time, the psychiatrist leveled one of the diagnoses I knew would be given–Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In that moment my heart cracked open and my mother blood leaked out onto the floor.  If you are not a therapist, this diagnosis may mean nothing to you. However, the diagnosis is often considered the bane of a therapist’s existence when a person labeled with it walks across the threshold.

I am breaking the therapist code of silence right now, because, as a therapist, I am not supposed to say any of this out loud.  As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I will be stoned for daring to speak this. Most therapists (though not all) only take one or two people labeled “Borderline” into their practice at a time.  Why is that, you might wonder?  It is because they are so difficult to treat.  BPD person’s are predominantly female and well known for love you/hate you outbursts.  They often burst out of therapy the way attachment challenged children outburst over parenting.

My daughter had love you/hate you outbursts from the day I brought her home at three-years-old.  And, she still does.  Reactive Attachment Disorder grown-up without successful intervention is often called Borderline Personality Disorder in women and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in men.

I want you to know that early, effective intervention is possible.  Healing is possible. You can change the trajectory of your sweet, attachment challenged child.  How?  With consistent, trust-based, brain-based, therapeutic parenting.  That is how.

When my children were young, I wish I knew then what I know now.  I desperately wish this.  Right now, I am pleased my daughter lives with me and I have a chance to help her heal from the horrible wounds of attachment trauma in early childhood.  It is never too late.  Never.  I know this in my bones.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

Ce

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled for April 23rd and 30th from 12 noon to 4 pm.  $200 per two person couple.  Childcare available for $30 each day, second child $10 additional. To sign up, email Jen@attachplace.com and she will register you.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
picture of cover

Drowning with My Hair on Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents

To buy your very own copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT, go to Amazon.com or www.attachplace.com/drowing-hair-fire.  Please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon.  Thank you.