Busy To The Bone

Dear Parent,

If you are a regular reader, you probably noticed I skipped a couples days this week.  Sorry about that.  I have been so busy, from morning till my head hits the pillow; I just couldn’t slow down long enough to think about what to write.  Whenever I slowed down, I fell asleep.  Now that isn’t so odd for me, because I am one of those people who can sleep anywhere anytime, except between the hours of 2am and 5am.  Not so great at sleeping in between there, but the last couple days have been exceptions.  Even slept through a couple rounds of small dogs insisting I get up to let them out.

My work partner in crime, Jen, has had her baby and is home doing the attachment dance. That is the source of my busy.  I don’t begrudge her the time.  Actually, I want her to stay home for the next 2 years (on the payroll) to solidify attachment; then, I hope she will come back well after her baby is developmentally ready for the separation phase.  She’s not having it though.

We have settled on her coming back with the baby to do office work and to keep our neurofeedback services running smoothly.  Some offices have resident cats and dogs.  We will have a resident baby, kid, teenager.  Maybe she will grow up and work beside her mother some day, like my step son does here with me.  Oh, I might be sleeping per chance to dream.  That was Shakespeare.

On the home front, I have been having some awesome talks with my children.  We have been talking about the two parts inside of them:  one that wants to live life their way and the other that is modeled after their worst unconscious imprint of my mothering. I really do not think, act, or even feel the way they think I do about most things.  I have accepted, even embraced them as they are.  Their two inside parts are in conflict and I have been talking to them about how these parts are theirs inside, and no longer about me out here.

When I broached the topic with them (separately of course when their conflicts reared their ugly heads), they each instantly saw the truth of this duality.  They are starting to see that they think I will be a way I rarely am, and that their conflicts are internal.  They also forget in the heat of the moment, but I remind myself about their internal conflict when that happens so all goes pretty well for me in the face of their reactivity.

The key for me is remembering that their internalized parent is shaped by many things, not just my worst parenting.  Whew, I need to see that to stay clear, loving, and understanding.  Otherwise, my worst parenting shows up right on cue.  Human intersubjective neurobiology is amazing.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships

Love matters,

To sign-up for daily Wisdom for Adoptive Parents, click here.  Follow on Twitter @lovingradkids.

The next 8-hr. Trust-based Parent Training is scheduled for June 18th and 23rd from noon to 4pm. Email Ce@attachplace.com to register.

TIME CHANGE: Monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group is every second Wednesday of the month from 6pm to 8pm.  Group and childcare are free.
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