Author Archive for Ce Eshelman

Feeling Alone Along the Adoptive Parenting Journey

Dear Parent,

It can be so isolating to love attachment and trauma challenged children.  They feel isolated, and so do we.

Couples Blog

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Do yourself a favor. Break the barriers. Bust out of the box. Find a support group, and go. Create a support group, and go. Meet other challenged children and exhausted, amazing parents like you.

We are all in the same boat. It’s nice to have company–deck chairs all lined up and all. No, not the Titanic; more like a Disney Cruise with zoo animals.

Attachment challenged kid shenanigans are not a reflection of you–unless you make it that way.

Love matters,

Ce

Sacramento Local Events: 

CAFA’s FREE Respite Program provides temporary relief for adoptive families living in or who have adopted through Sacramento County. Respite provides a positive experience for both the parent and the child. While families may take great joy in providing care for their loved ones, the physical and emotional consequences for the family caregiver can be overwhelming without some support, such as respite. Respite provides a break for the whole family, which research shows, is beneficial for everyone involved. Respite is available to kids aged 4-17.Children will be supervised by staff experienced in teaching social skills and positive peer interaction. Children will get the opportunity to participate in activities like sports, playing team building games, art, crafts and more.
Lunch is provided!
When: November 11th, 2017 (New Date)
Time: 10am-3pm
More details and to Register go to:www.capadoptfam.org

NEW!  AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD) CO-ED SOCIAL GROUP for Tweens (older 11-years-old through younger 16-years-old) at The Attach Place. Stay tuned for details coming soon. This will be a no-cost social group for the children, and parents will have an opportunity to socialize, chill, or maybe read a book in a separate space, too.

NEW!  FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA.  The groups will be low-cost, CALVCP payment eligible, structured and fun, too.  Details coming soon.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Dear Well-Meaning People Along My Adoption Journey:

Dear Parents,

By request, these are some pointers for non-custodial grandparents, extended family members, respite providers, and friends on how to support parents with attachment challenged children.

 

Dear grandparents, extended family, close friends, and respite care helpers:

I want you to know how much your love and support mean to me.  Without you, I would truly be on a very small island.  Here are some things recommended by an attachment therapist to help you understand and support the healing in our family.

Please understand:

My child has Complex Developmental Trauma and maybe some other things I am not sure of at the moment.  Complex Developmental Trauma is a combination of trauma and attachment challenge from early childhood maltreatment and abandonment.  This means that my child and I are learning to have a balanced emotional life together and to heal from internalized negative messages about parents, self, and the world.

No matter how it seems, I love my child and sometimes it is more a love “commitment” than a love “feeling.”  Please don’t judge me for my frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, grief and wounded feelings. Yes, I did sign on the adoption line and I do take responsibility for my decision.  Still, the magnitude of the disruption to my sense of well-being is stunningly painful.

My child deserves love and kindness, and I do my best to provide that every minute.  Sometimes I fail. I feel bad about myself when that happens, so you don’t have to find a delicate way of telling me so. It would be really great if you noticed out loud to me the loving things I do for my child.

Since I love my child, it will not be helpful for you to tell me how awful my child is or how great my child is.  I see it all. I really just need you to listen when I need someone to talk to about “me,” when I am on my last nerve, or when I need to celebrate a small breakthrough.

Dysregulation (uncontrollable upset) is my middle name.  My child’s Complex Developmental Trauma has an impact on me that even I have a hard time coming to terms with.  Offer me a listening ear, a cup of tea, a pedicure, or a shoulder massage because I need a break more than I need anything.

You have no idea how much I really appreciate it when you are willing to care for my child, so I can rest and rejuvenate.  I think you are amazing. When you do give me respite, it is very important that you follow my stated rules with my child; otherwise, your kindness will backfire on me when my child comes home.  My child cannot have more fun or excitement with you than there is at home. This will be hard for you, but my child needs to be regulated emotionally while in your care. Too much fun, excitement, change, and freedom will only serve to dysregulate and cause a split between my child and me. Please don’t think spoiling, paying extra close attention, listening to wild, made up stories or “siding” with my child against me will help my child.  It will destroy my child’s connection with me. Please do not do anything that will destroy my child’s connection with me.  I am working every second to create that connection and it only takes a couple of visits with a well-meaning, overly solicitous family member or friend to set my child’s attachment progress with me into reverse.

My child can be an angel in front of you.  Attachment challenge is usually between the child and the parents.  Others may never see it.  Please believe I am not making this up and I am not crazy. My child is not a victim of my inability to love.  My child has been a victim in the past and still feels that way inside.  I am not the creator of this worldview.  I am the healer of this worldview for my child, and it is hard for me to be balanced enough all the time to be healing.  That is my constant struggle. You can know that and empathize with my mission to save the heart of my child.

You may not know this, but traditional parenting doesn’t work with my child, so please don’t give me traditional parenting advice.  I don’t actually need advice, and I sure don’t need anyone to tell me that I need to give more consequences or rule with an iron fist. I am using a therapeutic parenting approach that I have learned can heal the complex trauma my child experiences.  Please trust me on this.

Finally, very few people want to spend time with my family right now.  I am isolated and lonely. Any time you lovingly reach out to me feels like water in a desert. I may not reach back very much, but that is because I am emotionally exhausted and I don’t want to feel like a burden to you.  Please check in with me. I need you. I love you. I appreciate you.

Sincerely yours,

 

Adoptive Parent

 

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

When our helpers get it, we parents feel 10 tons lift from our shoulders.

Love Matters,

Ce

NEW!  AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD) CO-ED SOCIAL GROUP for Tweens at The Attach Place. Stay tuned for details coming soon. This will be a no-cost social group for the children, and parents will have an opportunity to socialize, chill, or maybe read a book in a separate space, too.

NEW!  FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA.  The groups will be low-cost, CALVCP payment eligible, structured and fun, too.  Details coming soon.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Managing Traumatic Days for Adopted Children from Difficult Beginnings

Dear Parents,

Parents, of late, are saying similar things over and over to me.  This is a version of how it goes: It feels like the world is coming to an end.  While the world reels from the traumatic events of gun pathology, terrorism, natural disasters, wars, and other crises, the U.S. is experiencing a relatively large uptick in weather disasters, human-made tragedy, and political strife.  It all feels overwhelming. The destruction from fires in California and hurricanes in the Atlantic is nearly unfathomable to think about, and worse, to live through.  I cannot comment on the world’s prognosis; however, I can say that the feelings are real, and the dysregulation that comes from living through stressful times is having a neuro-bio-psycho-social-physiological impact on us all.

What I am about to say may seem obvious and I know you are always doing the best you can; however, in times of high stress, we parents can forget that our children have very big ears attached to their heads and that they are taking in information like feeling barometers.  To that end, beware of too much exposure to news in your own living room.  Realize that your adult conversations about current events in the bedroom, on the phone, in the car, etc. can be traumatizing and re-traumatizing through repetitious, scary visuals and frightening, dramatic hyperbole.  Trauma in the present can easily trigger past trauma in yourself and/or your special needs children.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Things to do: reduce exposure to media, video games, high emotional stimulation, and your own expression of fear, grief, worry, and anger.  Children do best when they are allowed to remain children in the midst of crisis.

Even schoolyards these days can be stressful for children when they sometimes mirror the struggles of the greater society–social conflict, dishonesty, race baiting, and dog whistling they have no way of fully understanding.  When they come home mad, hurt, or cranky, meet them with understanding, empathy, soothing, and, above all, a safe harbor.

The goal of trauma recovery is to not always keep your children calm, but rather to help your children, when dysregulated, practice coping skills to reduce fear, agitation, and aggression. The coping skill most healing is the repetitious practice of the stress/relaxation cycle.  Up regulation.  Down regulation.  Up regulation.  Down regulation.  Up regulation…you get the picture.

Our current dramatic world events give us all plenty of opportunity to help reduce our children’s dysregulation by encouraging deep breathing, deep playing, deep connection, and deep relaxation.

My love to those in the fire zones and hurricane recovery.  If you can contribute in any way, please do.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Embrace the Facts

Dear Parents:

When you come to the edge of everything you know, surrender. Developmentally traumatized children from abuse, neglect, and abandonment are caught in a terrible double bind.  They desperately need you and they desperately fear and doubt your veracity as a forever parent.  They fear you will harm and leave them so much that they try to beat you to it by rejecting you first and unconsciously pulling for a repeat of their early traumatic years.

Couples Blog

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

When they turn on you, spewing ugly, vulgar accusations, hold steady if you can–if you manage that 50% of the time feel good about yourself. That ugliness isn’t about you. It only feels like it.

If you cannot figure out how to soothe the dysregulated negative internal working model, surrender the need to control what is flying toward you.  Sit down; be present to your child’s pain and core sense of unlovability.  You cannot make a child feel loveable.  You can only empathize and maintain your attachment positive behavior toward them–soft eyes, soft voice, proximity, and gentleness.  Try never to withhold yourself.  To a traumatized child that triggers abandonment all over again.

Love matters,

Ce

Healing Difficult Beginnings — Trauma-Informed Parenting with Teri Gelgood, LMFT.
8 Saturdays: September 30 – November 18, 2017      9am-12pm      
493 Main Street, Suite D, Diamond Springs  (Gust Bros Building)
Cost:  $800 (second person caring for same child – free)
Teri@CreatingJoyNow.com        530-503-7040              CreatingJoyNow.com

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on October 11th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

You Gotta Get This For Back-to-School

Dear Parents:

Last night at our Adoption Support Group one of our resourceful parents shared this GREAT template she purchased for just $10 from a website for parents of challenged children.  This will be the best $10 you spend to support your school age child from difficult beginnings to be successful in the classroom.  It’s the bomb baby!

Take a minute to check this out.  The template, by report, takes some time to fill out for your child but is well worth the effort when it comes time to try to help the classroom teacher, principal, or school counselor understand the wild and wooly behavior they may be dealing with from your child.  It is strength based and straight forward.  Your child’s teacher will be grateful and your child will benefit the most.

Here is the link: https://serenitylinkscoaching.com/2016/08/06/school-information-packets-template/.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING Sacramento/Local Area EVENTS:

Take the Capital Adopted Families Alliance needs survey here.

2017 CAFA Conference
Saturday, September 16th, 2017

The goal of this conference is to give adoptive parents, foster/kinship
parents and professionals the opportunity to meet and learn from four
therapists who have worked successfully with adoptive families in the Sacramento area.

9:00 Ce Eshelman, LMFT – How parental attachment patterns impact
parenting challenging traumatized children
10:30 Kate Messina, PhD, LMFT – Identify and coach your child’s
temperament and “protest style”
12:30 Edye Swidler, LMFT – Social Media and your adopted child
2:00 Debra Wiegel, LMFT – The Hidden Disability: FASD and its effects
on the building blocks of relationships: empathy, conscience, and self-control
Location: River Oak for Children, 5445 Laurel Hills Dr. Sacramento
Time: 8:30-9:00 a.m. check-in 9:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Conference Cost: $25 a person, includes lunch
*No childcare available
To register: Go to www.capadoptfam.org and click “Training Conference.”
Or send check to 6875 Poca Montoya Dr. Granite Bay, CA 95746
Questions: kim@capadoptfam.org (916) 834-3700
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance was formed by adoptive parents in the Sacramento area.

Healing Difficult Beginnings — Trauma-Informed Parenting with Teri Gelgood, LMFT.
8 Saturdays: September 30 – November 18, 2017      9am-12pm      
493 Main Street, Suite D, Diamond Springs  (Gust Bros Building)
Cost:  $800 (second person caring for same child – free)
Teri@CreatingJoyNow.com        530-503-7040              CreatingJoyNow.com

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on September 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Mad As Hell

 Dear Parents:

When your child is “mad as hell,” flashing eye-daggers, hating you out-loud and personal, you can know that she is dissociated.  What does that mean?  Well, there is a complicated, psychobabble explanation, but I will put it here as simply as I can:  She is split off from the part of herself that is monumentally overwhelmed at the core because of some kind of emotionally devastating experience, such as attachment breach.  Even babies experience attachment rage; a survival tantrum that supersedes feelings of fear, despair, hopelessness, and a sense of impending death.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

No, I am not being dramatic. Attachment breaches are dramatic, creating trauma to brain development that impacts the life trajectory of a child. If the breach occurs before 2 years old, then the brain forms around these experiences, often triggering later in life whenever the child feels deprivation, fear, or threatened by the large and small interactions of everyday life.  Even closeness (via therapeutic parenting, for example) can cause fear that triggers dissociated rage.

Therapeutic parenting is more than just keeping your cool in the face of rage.  It is learning how to hold and process the feelings beneath. You might need help from a trained therapist. Even then, it is a journey with no map.

Do everything you can not to personalize dissociated rage.  It really isn’t about you.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING Sacramento/Local Area EVENTS:

Take the Capital Adopted Families Alliance needs survey here.

2017 CAFA Conference
Saturday, September 16th, 2017

The goal of this conference is to give adoptive parents, foster/kinship
parents and professionals the opportunity to meet and learn from four
therapists who have worked successfully with adoptive families in the Sacramento area.

9:00 Ce Eshelman, LMFT – How parental attachment patterns impact
parenting challenging traumatized children
10:30 Kate Messina, PhD, LMFT – Identify and coach your child’s
temperament and “protest style”
12:30 Edye Swidler, LMFT – Social Media and your adopted child
2:00 Debra Wiegel, LMFT – The Hidden Disability: FASD and its effects
on the building blocks of relationships: empathy, conscience, and self-control
Location: River Oak for Children, 5445 Laurel Hills Dr. Sacramento
Time: 8:30-9:00 a.m. check-in 9:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Conference Cost: $25 a person, includes lunch
*No childcare available
To register: Go to www.capadoptfam.org and click “Training Conference.”
Or send check to 6875 Poca Montoya Dr. Granite Bay, CA 95746
Questions: kim@capadoptfam.org (916) 834-3700
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance was formed by adoptive parents in the Sacramento area.

Healing Difficult Beginnings — Trauma-Informed Parenting with Teri Gelgood, LMFT.
8 Saturdays: September 30 – November 18, 2017      9am-12pm      
493 Main Street, Suite D, Diamond Springs  (Gust Bros Building)
Cost:  $800 (second person caring for same child – free)
Teri@CreatingJoyNow.com        530-503-7040              CreatingJoyNow.com

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on September 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

In Support of More Adoption Resources for Families in CA, Please Do This Survey

Dear Parents,

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know I rarely use this platform for third party reasons; however, this request can directly benefit adopted families in California if you answer the survey, so I’m thinking you won’t mind.  Thank you for supporting CAFA (Capital Adoptive Families Alliance) by completing this quick survey.  You can skip any questions you don’t want to answer.  Thank you, Ce.

Hello Families,
CAFA was recently chosen to be part of a collaborative effort to support parents, caregivers and youth with mental health challenges. We will be a voice for adoptive families for California. The collaborative has created a survey to better understand what families and caregivers face. The results of this survey will lead to trainings that will be held throughout the state. It is important that the adoptive voice is heard.
Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey. Pass it on to anyone who might be interested. The more voices for our families, the better!

Thank you,
Laura Stillmunkes
Executive Director
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance

They Are Nothing If Not Spiky

Dear Parents:

Sometimes when I explain the effects of Complex Developmental Trauma on the brain and therefore on the behavior of a child to a parent, I get a quick push back.  It sounds something like this, “Okay, but she isn’t always like that. Sometimes she is perfectly fine.”   What the parents are telling me without knowing it is that their child is spiky.  That means there are skips and stops and gaps in development over several domains–cognitive, emotional, social, physical, and spiritual.  Spiky behavior is confusing to many people–therapists, psychiatrists, teachers, parents, and extended family members.

Some days my 20-year-old son remembers to do his chores completely and some days he doesn’t. Sometimes he follows all the rules and sometimes he doesn’t.  Sometimes he brushes his teeth, zips his pants, and puts on deodorant, and sometimes he doesn’t.  Sometimes he is completely chill and sometimes he is molten lava. He has been like this for 18 years.  He isn’t being defiant, lazy, oppositional, or deliberately anything.  He wants to please me and feels pretty good about himself, but his behavior is spiky.  He now knows this. If he slept poorly, ate poorly, felt bored, had a disagreement with a friend, didn’t do well at school, felt misunderstood, had a nightmare, broke a rule, ate all the donuts, had a great day, is planning a sleepover, went to a birthday party, got a gift, didn’t get a gift…he gets dysregulated. Life is dysregulating to him and sometimes it isn’t.  He is the poster child for spiky.

Just to be honest here, spiky makes me crazy.  I can’t depend on my son to consistently do anything.  I am worried he will forget something important if I don’t check up on him–like leaving the blender on, letting the dogs run out, getting really lost, getting stuck somewhere, forgetting his meds, letting the sink run over, coming home hours late, not calling when he said he would, not following instructions, misunderstanding directions, and the list goes on.

So, what is the solution for spiky?  You aren’t going to like this: acceptance, understanding, empathy, and patience–all YOURS.

I love my son. Today, he didn’t go to school and blamed it on his adult roommates who didn’t wake him up on time to get to his ride.  Remember, he’s twenty now and living away from home.

I texted him this: “You know the rap…you are responsible for yourself.  Try again tomorrow, sweetheart.  No allowance for today. You are responsible for yourself.  You are a terrific person.  Create the life you want for yourself.  I love you, Mom.”

He replied, “I know mom.  It wasn’t L.’s fault.  We worked it out like adults.  I will try again in the morning. Love ya.”

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

I love this.  I have grown to see the joy in parenting a child (adult child) who needs a lot of support long into adulthood.   I have five children–two adopted from difficult beginnings, one foster child from difficult beginnings, and two step children (frankly, from difficult beginnings, too). All are adults now.  All have a need for a loving, patient, understanding parent.

Now that I am hovering around my 60’s, I am able to see the bigger picture.  Growing up is a process.  When there is trauma, the process is elongated.  That’s all.  Elongated, not impossible.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING Sacramento/Local Area EVENTS:

2017 CAFA Conference
Saturday, September 16th, 2017

The goal of this conference is to give adoptive parents, foster/kinship
parents and professionals the opportunity to meet and learn from four
therapists who have worked successfully with adoptive families in the Sacramento area.

9:00 Ce Eshelman, LMFT – How parental attachment patterns impact
parenting challenging traumatized children
10:30 Kate Messina, PhD, LMFT – Identify and coach your child’s
temperament and “protest style”
12:30 Edye Swidler, LMFT – Social Media and your adopted child
2:00 Debra Wiegel, LMFT – The Hidden Disability: FASD and its effects
on the building blocks of relationships: empathy, conscience, and self-control
Location: River Oak for Children, 5445 Laurel Hills Dr. Sacramento
Time: 8:30-9:00 a.m. check-in 9:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Conference Cost: $25 a person, includes lunch
*No childcare available
To register: Go to www.capadoptfam.org and click “Training Conference.”
Or send check to 6875 Poca Montoya Dr. Granite Bay, CA 95746
Questions: kim@capadoptfam.org (916) 834-3700
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance was formed by adoptive parents in the Sacramento area.

CAFA (Capital Adoptive Families Alliance) RESPITE DROP OFF DATE: September 10th, 2017-(Sunday). Time: 10am-3pm. Location: 5445 Laurel Hills Dr., Sacramento, CA.
REGISTER AT:
www.capadoptfam.org
or call 916.880.0234
COST: FREE!

Healing Difficult Beginnings — Trauma-Informed Parenting with Teri Gelgood, LMFT.
8 Saturdays: September 30 – November 18, 2017      9am-12pm      
493 Main Street, Suite D, Diamond Springs  (Gust Bros Building)
Cost:  $800 (second person caring for same child – free)
Teri@CreatingJoyNow.com        530-503-7040              CreatingJoyNow.com

NEW:  THERAPEUTIC PARENTING WEBINAR with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: 6-Week Interactive Therapeutic Parenting Webinar, August 1 through September 7, 2017.  IN PROGRESS NOW.

UPCOMING THERAPEUTIC PARENTING CLASS with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: Sign up here for the next day long Therapeutic Parenting Class on September 9, 2017, from 9 am to 4 pm at The Attach Place, Sacramento, CA. Cost: $200 for two.  Childcare offered.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on September 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

TRY MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

 

Control is a Survival Skill

Dear Parents:

You can fight it if you must, but control is the medium through which your child from difficult beginnings feels safe.  Like sky for birds, your attachment challenged child needs the illusion of control lest s/he experience a feeling spiral akin to falling out of the sky and crashing headlong into sure death.

The overarching therapeutic parenting goal is to create a safe and predictable enough environment for your child to trust s/he is not going to smash to the ground when s/he lets go into your care.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

My suggestion is to accept your child’s need for control as one of the basics–air, food, water, shelter, love…control. Little by little, show just how safe you are because you understand the need for control, share power, accept, forgive, and shape the internal landscape of your child’s brain to need just a little less of it over time.

Wrestling with a ravenous person to give up the gluten and carbs of a slice of bread makes no sense. Beware of power struggling over control with your child. We all have a hierarchy of need.  To heal from chronic survival control, our children need first to be safe, feel safe, and to experience acceptance from us in order to surrender to us. It’s really all about parents being trustworthy; and trust is built by predictable behavior over time–sometimes a very long time.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING LOCAL EVENTS:

2017 CAFA Conference
Saturday, September 16th, 2017

The goal of this conference is to give adoptive parents, foster/kinship
parents and professionals the opportunity to meet and learn from four
therapists who have worked successfully with adoptive families in the Sacramento area.

9:00 Ce Eshelman, LMFT – How parental attachment patterns impact
parenting challenging traumatized children
10:30 Kate Messina, PhD, LMFT – Identify and coach your child’s
temperament and “protest style”
12:30 Edye Swidler, LMFT – Social Media and your adopted child
2:00 Debra Wiegel, LMFT – The Hidden Disability: FASD and its effects
on the building blocks of relationships: empathy, conscience, and self-control
Location: River Oak for Children, 5445 Laurel Hills Dr. Sacramento
Time: 8:30-9:00 a.m. check-in 9:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Conference Cost: $25 a person, includes lunch
*No childcare available
To register: Go to www.capadoptfam.org and click “Training Conference.”
Or send check to 6875 Poca Montoya Dr. Granite Bay, CA 95746
Questions: kim@capadoptfam.org (916) 834-3700
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance was formed by adoptive parents in the Sacramento area.

CAFA (Capital Adoptive Families Alliance) RESPITE DROP OFF DATE: September 10th, 2017-(Sunday). Time: 10am-3pm. Location: 5445 Laurel Hills Dr., Sacramento, CA.
REGISTER AT:
www.capadoptfam.org
or call 916.880.0234
COST: FREE!

 

Healing Difficult Beginnings — Trauma-Informed Parenting with Teri Gelgood, LMFT.
8 Saturdays: September 30 – November 18, 2017      9am-12pm      
493 Main Street, Suite D, Diamond Springs  (Gust Bros Building)
Cost:  $800 (second person caring for same child – free)
Teri@CreatingJoyNow.com        530-503-7040              CreatingJoyNow.com

NEW:  THERAPEUTIC PARENTING WEBINAR with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: 6-Week Interactive Therapeutic Parenting Webinar, August 1 through September 7, 2017.  IN PROGRESS NOW.

UPCOMING THERAPEUTIC PARENTING CLASS with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: Sign up here for the next day long Therapeutic Parenting Class on September 9, 2017, from 9 am to 4 pm at The Attach Place, Sacramento, CA. Cost: $200 for two.  Childcare offered.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on September 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

TRY MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

 

Attention Is A Real Need

Dear Parents:

I have a number of children I work with who annoy for attention. Attention is attention to them regardless of whether it is positive or negative.  Some attachment challenged children have difficulty being vulnerable enough to seek attention in a pro-social way.  To do that would be to admit that s/he has emotional needs in the first place.  And some are simply habituated to seeking negative attention.

My son has mastered the art of the ridiculous question to get my attention.  For example, “Mom, I’m wondering why it is that I really like to go to those swim parks. Why do you think I like them so much?”

Out of the blue from another child, “One time when I was visiting my grandmother’s farm the dog farted so loud the cats ran into the barn.”

“Can you see air?”

“I noticed cats have big eyes.”

“Can we talk?  I have a mod and the thingys are cute.  Can I show them to you?”  (What the heck is a ‘mod’?)

“Mom, I didn’t know you were home.  Are you home now?”

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

“Why do I like cauliflower that way and not the other way?”

“The worst thing to call a teacher is Mrs. P.”

Really?

Instead of giving the “go away from me” look of annoyance or the sarcasm that might easily roll off your tongue which will leave a hurt in the soft underbelly of your sensitive child, pull him/her (big or small) in for a hug or a close-up of your soft eyes with a love bomb smile.  This is all that is needed:  I love you–now run along and figure that out for yourself.

Attention is a real need.  Don’t be afraid to give it in a pro-social way.

Love matters,

Ce

UPCOMING LOCAL EVENTS:

2017 CAFA Conference
Saturday, September 16th, 2017

The goal of this conference is to give adoptive parents, foster/kinship
parents and professionals the opportunity to meet and learn from four
therapists who have worked successfully with adoptive families in the Sacramento area.

9:00 Ce Eshelman, LMFT – How parental attachment patterns impact
parenting challenging traumatized children
10:30 Kate Messina, PhD, LMFT – Identify and coach your child’s
temperament and “protest style”
12:30 Edye Swidler, LMFT – Social Media and your adopted child
2:00 Debra Wiegel, LMFT – The Hidden Disability: FASD and its effects
on the building blocks of relationships: empathy, conscience, and self-control
Location: River Oak for Children, 5445 Laurel Hills Dr. Sacramento
Time: 8:30-9:00 a.m. check-in 9:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
Conference Cost: $25 a person, includes lunch
*No childcare available
To register: Go to www.capadoptfam.org and click “Training Conference.”
Or send check to 6875 Poca Montoya Dr. Granite Bay, CA 95746
Questions: kim@capadoptfam.org (916) 834-3700
Capital Adoptive Families Alliance was formed by adoptive parents in the Sacramento area.

CAFA (Capital Adoptive Families Alliance) RESPITE DROP OFF DATE: September 10th, 2017-(Sunday). Time: 10am-3pm. Location: 5445 Laurel Hills Dr., Sacramento, CA.
REGISTER AT:
www.capadoptfam.org
or call 916.880.0234
COST: FREE!

NEW:  THERAPEUTIC PARENTING WEBINAR with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: 6-Week Interactive Therapeutic Parenting Webinar, August 1 through September 7, 2017.  IN PROGRESS NOW.

UPCOMING THERAPEUTIC PARENTING CLASS with Ce Eshelman, LMFT: Sign up here for the next day long Therapeutic Parenting Class on September 9, 2017, from 9 am to 4 pm at The Attach Place, Sacramento, CA.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on September 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

TRY MY BOOK FOR SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.