Author Archive for Ce Eshelman

It’s Time For A Revolution In School–The Revolution Starts Now!

Dear Parents,

 

Here is a rare opportunity to get free information on Trauma Informed Schools.  Woohoo! Pass this along to all of your children’s teachers, principals, school counselors, school psychologists and interested friends.  

It’s time for a revolution at school for our traumatized, attachment challenged children.  Let’s bring on Trauma Informed Teaching, one teacher, one principal, one school at a time.  Together we can do this!

Register Here

Attachment Trauma Informed Schools Sacramento

The Attachment and Trauma Network, Inc.

Or Register Here

Love matters,

Ce

Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on May 10th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

 

Adoption Issues From Birth

Hello Parents,

I am forever impressed by the miracle of life and the way humans are hardwired for survival.  I heard the other day from a trauma expert, Janina Fisher, Ph.D., the notion that people who have PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) might rightfully be proud for it.  At that point my ears tuned in sharply.  She went on to say those early humans with PTSD were the ones that lived to procreate and carry their genetic material forward.  Hmmm, never thought about it that way before, but I get it. Those with hardwired survival brain structures were on high alert and therefore ever prepared for the inevitable attack of lions and tigers and prehistoric creatures, per se.

Babies Can Have PTSD at Birth

When a baby has spent 9 months in utero with bio-mommy and lands in the loving arms of adoptive mommy at birth, some babies will develop PTSD right then and there.  Well, what is the trauma?  Where is the stress?

In utero the baby knows the mother’s voice, smell, heart rhythms, feelings, living environment, and even food preferences.  These things can be disturbing or soothing to the baby, specifically the baby’s brain, before the baby is fully formed.  Even if the bio-mother’s condition is stressful, the baby knows this mother as his or her life-force.

Birth Trauma

During the trauma that we call giving birth, the baby goes through all that pushing, screaming, stress, intensity, and shock of entering the bright lights of this strange new world and immediately cries out in distress for that familiar voice, smell, heart rhythm.  In adoption, the new mother shows up excited, wanting, anxious to be the one to soothe, bond, love, and console the tiny bundle into quiescence and a new home.

Inside the Adopted Baby’s Brain

Here is what is going on inside the limbic brain of the newborn?   The limbic part feels but has no words.  If the feelings where given words they might sound like this:

What!  Who are you? Don’t touch me. Where is my life-force?  Where is the one I know? Where did all I know go?  I am afraid?  I am going to die?  I am afraid?  I am going to die?  I am afraid?  I am alone?  I am going to be eaten?  I am dead already.  I don’t want this.  I don’t want you.  I don’t know you.  I don’t know my name.  I don’t know.  I am scared. I am going to die.  I have been left.  Abandoned. Given up to danger.  Lost from my source.  Forgotten.  Not wanted. Not loved.  Not worthy of keeping. Left alone.  I better fight.  I must resist the dangerous enemy holding me. It’s big.  I’m not.  It scares me.  It’s loud. I’m cold. It feeds me. I’m hungry. It feeds me.  I’m scared.  It feeds me.  I resist food. It still feeds me.  I feel sick. I’m tired of fighting.  I give in.  I give up.  If you eat me, I don’t care. Nothing matters.  I don’t matter.  It doesn’t matter.  I will become part of the bed, the walls, the ceiling.  I will eat, but I will not need. I will take care of myself.  I will survive it.  I must survive you.  I won’t need anything, ever.  Survive.  Survive.  Survive.  

Some babies come to accept the food, the comfort, the tending.  They grow to feel safe and accept that they are being chosen to live, to thrive, to be loved.

Some don’t.

Some stretch that birth paragraph of frightening experience over several days, weeks, months, and, for some babies, out into latency, adolescence, and adulthood.

Research Supposts…

Why do some adjust and other’s don’t?  Research lands that at the feet of birth order, genetics, parent attachment styles, temperament, situational circumstances, IQ, EQ, epi-genetics.

Who cares?  Some just don’t adjust or come to terms with their life’s circumstances.  Some get stuck in survival brain.  Their bodies get bigger, but their brains are stuck on that early implicit experience of being lost, left and given to strangers.  That means they have behavior you do not understand.  They have emotions that seem ridiculous and exaggerated.

Attachment breach PTSD explains it.  And, if you are living with it, now you know what is going on with your child who has had all the benefits of a perfect life and hasn’t a clue how to take advantage of it, be grateful for it, or simply succeed in it–not one freaking clue.

Get Your Family Qualified Help

In case you think I am making this up, check out all the prenatal/postnatal research on the matter.  It exists.  It’s a thing.  This thing may be your experience with your child.  Once you know, there is hope.  There is hope.  Get help to understand what might be going on inside the body, mind, heart of your adopted child.

Love matters,

Ce

YOU ARE INVITED.  Open and Free to the Public:
Strengthening Attachment with Hurt & Traumatized Children. Click here for more information.
Presented by Ce Eshelman, LMFT of “The Attach Place,” Sacramento, CA.
Saturday, April 22, 2017 – 10:00 am to 1:00 & 1 to 4:00 pm
TRAINING LOCATION: Woodland Community College – Building 100 – Room 101

Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on May 10th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

20 Therapeutic Parenting Tips for Success: A Mini Primer for Foster and Adoptive Parents

Parents of attachment challenged, traumatized children often need a cheat sheet to help them remember the basics of therapeutic parenting when the chips are down and the stress is through the roof.  Never fear. Here are 20 Therapeutic Parenting Tips for Foster and Adoptive Parents.  That’s you, right?

Here we go:

 

1. Always, always, always show soft eyes, sweet face, gentle tone of voice, and kindness. Remember somebody precious lives in there.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Your child’s brain is different.  It needs special therapeutic care from you all the time, not just sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Never yell, threaten, swear at or hit your child.  Never. Let’s be honest; it happens. If you do, apologize as soon as you come to your senses, and be sure not to say, …But you were being really bad, annoying, horrible, mean, or hateful—that’s why I did it.  If you hit your child, you were dysregulated.  That’s why you did it.  Get help to regulate your emotions.  Get it now before you find yourself in the lap of Child Protective Services or, worse, in the land of no trust forever with your child.

4. Teach regulation by regulating in front of your children. Breathe, take space, use your words, identify out loud your feelings, sit down, take a time in or out, do something active, meditate, pray, laugh out loud, get a grip, shake it off, refocus, redo, and come back regulated to make it right.

 

5. Ask yourself what is the need behind the behavior.  For example, my child is annoying every minute and that pulls for my ire.  What is the need behind the behavior?  She wants my attention?  Of-course.  He wants to control me?  Maybe.  She wants me to abuse her?  Not really.  Your job is to guess (not inquire) at the need, and then meet it.  If you think she needs attention, help her learn the skill of seeking attention in a positive way and give it to her. If you think, He wants to control me, assume it is a deep seated need to keep himself safe; then give him structure and assure him he is safe with you.  If you think, She wants me to abuse her, realize that she has been abused and thinks of that as love or she feels she is bad and seeks to prove it or reinforce her feelings. Give her unconditional love and teach her how to seek it in a positive way–practice often.

 

 

6. If you do not want to be lied to,do not ask your child, Why. Our kids don’t know why they do the nonsensical things they do; so why ask why?  They will just make something up and you will be angry that they lied to you.

 

 

 

7. Star Charts and Sticker Charts don’t work for our kids for very long, so don’t let some helpful social worker/therapist/friend set you and your child up for failure by being talked into creating one.  Our kids feel bad inside (that is their “go to” internal working model), so unconsciously they can only let a reward chart succeed for so long before there is an impulse to sabotage the good and return to the more comfortable bad working model.  All unconscious, of course.

 

 

 

 

8. Sending a previously abandoned child to a separate room for a time out is triggering to one who has already been rejected so thoroughly by a biological parent (and maybe many other foster care parents).  Therapeutic parents do not reject, banish, shut out, close out, or abandon children as a consequence. The magnitude of the internal pain inflicted by such is hugely disproportionate to any childhood transgression that could have occurred.

 

 

 

9. Punishment does not teach a child anything except that the punisher is more powerful and maybe even mean. Unrelated consequences make no sense to a child.  A natural consequence is the only way to teach that ever desired cause and effect thinking.  If I go to school without my coat, I get cold. That natural consequence is the natural teacher, not shaming, blaming, lecturing, consequencing, punishing, or withholding privileges. Of-course, if it were snowing outside, letting your child go to school without a coat would be cruel and abusive; so natural consequences need to be guided by empathy.

 

 

 

 

 

10. Long parental talks make children effectively deaf or near senile.  Be short and sweet (literally).

 

 

 

 

 

11. Making a child apologize does not make a child sorry.  Encourage your child to “show sorrow” by making things right by doing something kind, restorative, or healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. Routines are key.  Surprises are overwhelming.  Keep to a schedule.  When you change it up, consider the child and give a bit of advanced warning. In 10 minutes we are going to go to the grocery store.  I will remind you when it is time to put your shoes on.

 

 

13. Listen up:  Too much advanced notice will create high anxiety, so your child may emotionally melt down, sabotage, badger, or question you to death.  Telling your child about the Disney trip a month in advance will surely cause enough anxiety to make you not want to go when the month is up. If you created the advanced notice anxiety, go on vacation no ma
tter how tiring the shenanigans.  Excitement anxiety is not your child’s fault.

 

 

14. Too much big praise is too much.  It could tip your child over into mistrust or dismissiveness of your words.  Show low key interest in things your child produces or does.  Keep praise for appearance or accomplishments to a quick fact of, That dress brings out the pretty blue of your eyes or Your painting has beautiful bright colors.

 

 

15. Always separate your child from their behavior.  Lose this sentence, I don’t like you when you act like that. Be very sure about the cause of their difficulties so you have enough empathy to give the necessary messages to grow a positive sense of self.  For example, I know you have a loving heart, so pinching your best friend surprised me or I know you are a careful person, so seeing you run with those scissors scared me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. Say what you mean thoughtfully, empathically, playfully, and devoid of all sarcasm. Sarcasm and putdown-teasing is mean to do to a hurting child (and possibly to anyone).

 

17. Caring through empathy is the way. Personalizing your child’s behavior is misguided.  Behavior is around you, not about you. Empathy is the antidote to shame and makes you a safe parent.

 

18. Playful engagement is the language of children.  If you are not playing every day with your child, you are speaking a foreign language and missing out on the primary ingredient of attachment glue.

 

 

19. Listen to the feelings beneath your child’s negative habituated reaction; give appropriate words and language for feelings so your child can learn to talk them out instead of acting them out.

 

 

20. Finally, my dear parents, care as much for yourself as you do for your child.  Care as much for your child as you do for yourself. How you care for yourself is how you care for your child.  How you care for your child is how you care for yourself.  Wrap your brain around that and you will go right now to arrange respite care. Parents of traumatized, attachment challenged children without respite are rarely therapeutic for long. That’s a fact.



 

It is possible to have a life worth living with children from difficult beginnings. Give these a try and go to https://attachplace.com/category/wisdom-for-adoptive-parents to sign up for regular tips from someone who really gets it.

Remember, even when it is hard to keep your marbles in the bag and and your lid screwed on, your love matters.

 

Ce Eshelman, LMFT is the author of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents and the founder of The Attach Place Center for Strengthening Relationships LLC in Sacramento, CA.  She is an attachment therapist and parent of five children–two step, two adopted and one foster.

The Dalai Lama and Me

Dear Parents,

I have always been a proponent of parenting with empathy (over, say, sympathy or more traditional, utilitarian approaches), but I know empathy isn’t exactly what I have been practicing every day in my work and in my life with my children.  I hadn’t a better word for it, so I just went with empathy sprinkled generously with love.  Not bad choices considering the circumstances, right?

I came across this parable today and it gave me pause to think. I realize now that I have been practicing compassion for the last ten or so years with my children.  After you read the parable, see what you are practicing in your relationship with yourself, your partner, your friends, your children.

The Dalai Lama Parable (from an article written by Richard Feloni)

A man is lying on the side of a road, crushed by a boulder. An empathetic person passes by. This person feels the man’s suffering so intimately they are shaken and unable to find a way to help. A compassionate person passes by. This person understands the man’s pain and is driven to help, but is able to remain centered within themselves, allowing them to devise a plan to remove the boulder and get the man help.

The Lesson

Empathy is feeling someone’s state as if it were your own, manifested emotionally; compassion is understanding someone’s state as if it were your own, but with a layer of detachment. It is better to go through the world as a compassionate person, able to confront the plights of others without being crippled by their weight. 

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Teaching Therapeutic Parenting

All day, every day I work with parents to help them understand their children with compassion and it turns out I am often combatting their empathy fatigue, which I had previously misnamed compassion fatigue. People often ask me how I can raise children from difficult beginnings and still work with traumatized children and families without having a permanent flipped lid or burnout.  I usually just smile and shrug.  I haven’t had words for it, but I don’t get burned out by my work.  In the early years of parenting my children I felt quite a bit of distress and overwhelm; however, somewhere in the middle I learned how to hold my children’s pain and reactivity in a more understanding and detached way, which made it easier to make good parenting decisions with them.

This parable makes perfect sense to me in my life and my work.  I have always worked in my office from a place of compassion. At some point, empathy for my children was replaced by compassion and I was able to be both loving and helpful in a way that didn’t use me up and burn me out.

I am hoping you pause to think about this parable and evaluate your parenting.  Are you burning out? Have you blocked out the child to save yourself or someone else?  Is it too painful to keep your heart open? Perhaps you too are parenting from empathy and a switch to compassion, as defined by the Dalai Lama, is just what the doctor forgot to order.  Therapeutic parenting is all about compassion.

Love matters,

Ce

YOU ARE INVITED.  Open and Free to the Public:
Regulation Techniques for Strengthening Attachment with Hurt & Traumatized Children. Click here for more information.
Presented by Ce Eshelman, LMFT of “The Attach Place,” Sacramento, CA.
Saturday, April 22, 2017 – 10:00 am to 1:00 & 1 to 4:00 pm
TRAINING LOCATION: Woodland Community College – Building 100 – Room 101

Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on April 12, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Therapeutic Parenting Hack #8 – Flipped Lids and Lost Marbles

Dear Parents,

Upcoming Therapeutic Parent Training in Sacramento

Reminder, Therapeutic Parent Training in my office is April 1st from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare is available.  Make sure you reserve your space on our website.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Therapeutic Parenting Hack #8 – Flipped Lids and Lost Marbles

This Hack is especially for YOU!  This is #8 in my ten part 1-minute Therapeutic Parenting Hack series.  Enjoy folks and hire a childcare worker.  You can send them to my training for free.  How about them apples?  I really don’t know what that means.

Love Matters,

Ce

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on April 12, 2017! Open to all caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Free child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Relevance

Dear Parents,

I have been giving one to two all day trainings each month in Northern California since October, 2016.  Probably because I published a book.  Before the book, I trained therapists, social workers, and parents about four times a year outside my office and six times a year in my office.

Trust-based Therapeutic Intervention

Here is the shocking thing.  Every time I give my training on Trust-based Relational Intervention which includes my thoughts on therapeutic attachment parenting for children outside my office, I find most people in attendance filled with an amazing amount of gratitude.  What I have to say seems to resonate with them.  Karyn Purvis and David Cross are originally responsible for bringing this attachment and trauma research together into a cohesive model–TBRI.  I add some of my experience to that material and it becomes relevant–relevant to the lives of people who are raising children from difficult beginnings.

A Blind Eye

Forgive me for my naivete’, but this still amazes me.  In 2017, why in the world hasn’t every U.S. county and state, all adoption agencies, and infinitesimal numbers of mental health organizations jumped on board the kind of therapeutic parenting that will help heal the hearts of  these wounded parents and children? Why haven’t they?

Keep Yourself Knowledgeable To See If What Is Offered Is For YOU

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

I really don’t know the answer.  What I do know is that all evidence-based models are not the same. PCIT is not for all children, especially the most wounded.  Love and Logic does not work for children who do not have typical access to their prefrontal cortices.  Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a good cookie cutter, but not always a wise path because it often re-traumatizes children. Wisdom Path and Nurtured Heart are great, but they don’t tell the whole story.  Is this political?  I have no idea.

Stand Your Ground If You Have to, Warrior Parents

I seriously hope not.  Our children cannot afford to be caught up in political schemes.  Parents of children  from difficult beginnings need real “access” to services that will actually help to reduce emotional dysregulation from attachment breach and trauma, address traumatic emotional wounds, strengthen the attachment bonds between children and parents,  and soothe the wounded hearts of children in school settings and other community spaces across our nation.

Apparently, this is soap box night for me.  Thank you for hanging in here.  You rock!

Love matters.  Carry on, parents.  Carry on.

Ce

Announcements:

If you are going to our upcoming  Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting course at The Attach Place, sign up here.  April 1, 2017 from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare provided for an extra fee.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on April 12th, 2017! Open to all caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided for free.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Therapeutic Parenting Hack #7 – What Is Your Story?

Dear Parents,

This is Therapeutic Parenting Hack #7 – What Is Your Story?–the seventh of 10 1-minute Therapeutic Parenting Tips for parents of children from difficult beginnings of maltreatment and abandonment.  Enjoy.

Love Matters,

Ce

If you are going to the upcoming  Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting course, sign up here.  April 1, 2017 from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare provided for an extra fee.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on March 8, 2017! Open to all caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

My Head Loves Shark Music–NOT!

Dear Parents,

I enjoy this animation because I am very familiar with my internal Shark Music!  How about you?

 

Love matters,

Ce

 

If you are going to the upcoming  Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting course sign up here.  April 1, 2017 from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare provided for an extra fee.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on March 8, 2017! Open to all caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Utilitarian Parenting Will Not Get The Job Done–Healing A Broken Heart

Dear Parents,

Beware the trap of meeting all your child’s needs but one–loving engagement. If you don’t have loving engagement to give, then spare yourself from adopting a child from difficult beginnings or raising any child for that matter. Structure is a very important part of therapeutic parenting, though it in no way singularly heals the broken, fearful, traumatized heart of an adopted child.

Utilitarian Parenting Is Not Enough

Structure without nurture is institutional. Institutions do not have what it takes to heal the wounds of complex trauma to the core. Only structure with love and empathy will do that. Utilitarian parenting will further manifest the wounds of the child. It is hard enough to raise a traumatized child with structure and love into a well adjusted person in society. Without love, it is a disservice to the child.  Here is a one minute reminder:

Attachment Help

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Are you a Love Warrior?

You need a love warrior spirit to stay in the game with a scared, trust blocking child. It is okay not to adopt if you have all the means and none of the spirit. No shame in admitting that. None at all. As a matter of fact, it is courageous to do the right thing when the outside world may judge you for it.

Looking In the Mirror

By the way, if you have lost your heart along the journey, I feel certain you can find it again with respite, self-care, and therapeutic help. Sometimes secondary trauma, depression, exhaustion, desperation, lack of support, and hopelessness seep in around the edges and can lead to utilitarian parenting. It is called Blocked Parenting (If there is a name for it, you know you are not alone). I surely understand Blocked Parenting. Been there, and only recovered my heart with lots of help. Get the help you need to find your heart again for your child and for yourself.  Life is too long to go it alone.

Love matters,

Ce

Sign-up for our next Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting course coming up on April 1, 2017 from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare provided for an extra fee.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on March 8, 2017! Open to all caregivers at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided.

Get your specially discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Fear Is the Enemy of a Child’s Brain

Dear Parents,

Creating “felt safety” is the supreme goal for a therapeutic parent of attachment challenged, traumatized children.  The problem is how to do it.

Your task is to be safe for the brain of your child who lives very close to the edge of survival every day.  All that hypervigilance and attention to things that are none of your child’s business is all about hard-wired fear.  Your child may not have any idea that s/he lives in fear, but the body knows.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Here’s How

The best way to make yourself safe is to be predictable, consistent, even-tempered, structured, and anticipatory. Anticipate that your child will be reactive at every turn and grease the wheels for smooth transitions.  Yes, our children are nosey.  Being nosey is a survival skill.  Instead of chastising the little sweeties for sticking their noses where they don’t belong, invite them in with enough information to bring their anxiety down and to increase your trustworthiness as a safe, loving parent.

Say It Out Loud Parents

I know you don’t want to “have” to tell your child everything you are going to do before you do it; and you don’t “have” to. When you don’t, however, there will be reactive outbursts that you will pay a bigger price for in the long run.  It is a loving thing to develop a transparent style with your child.  It is like talking out loud about your next moves.  Your child’s brain will thank you.

Love matters,

Ce

Sign-up for our next Trust-based Therapeutic Parenting course coming up on April 1, 2017 from 10am to 5pm.  Childcare provided for an extra fee.  This course can be paid for by CALVCP if you are already approved.

Join our monthly Adoptive Parent Support Group on March 8, 2017! Open to all adoptive parents at no cost. Support group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6pm to 8pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827. Child care provided at no cost. Please send an email to Jen@attachplace.com to let her know you are going to attend a day before the group.  That allows us time to add to our childcare cadre if we need to do so.  Thank you.

Get your discounted copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

Follow us on Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.