Author Archive for Ce Eshelman

Holiday Childcare Opportunity in Sacramento

Good Cheer Parents,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Andrea, our Special Services Coordinator, and a great adoptive parent, Abby, cooked up the idea that parents of children from difficult beginnings have trouble getting out without children in order to prepare for the holidays–that’s a duh to all of you, right?

To that end, in Sacramento, CA, The Attach Place will be providing a low-cost therapeutic childcare opportunity on December 16, 2017 from 2pm to 6pm. Kids will have structured activities (Andrea is calling this a Kids Holiday Party, but we are keeping that under wraps to manage regulation) and parents can have unstructured away time to do what you do (no one will ever know what you actually do).

Contact Andrea@attachplace.com to reserve a space, which, of course, is limited; so jump on this.

The cost is $20 for the whole time for each child.

Love matters,

Ce

 

 

 

 

Upcoming Events in Sacramento…

Reminder: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. December 15th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza and snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD Kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-8 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

If you haven’t responded to the Capital Adoptive Family Alliance (California residents only) survey about needs you have for your family while raising adopted children, here is the linkFill it out now!  That is my way of encouraging everyone to answer the survey questions to the best of your ability. You can skip anything that you don’t want to answer.  This is a way to get funding channeled to adoptive parents.  Super special opportunity for all of us adoptive families who need financing for services.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Adoptive Parents: Please Take This 2 minute Survey!

There Are ACEs and Then There Are ACNs

Dear Parents,

ACEs are Adverse Childhood Experiences that seriously impact the development of children when they multiply in number before the child reaches 18.  If you are unfamiliar, let me direct you to acestoohigh.com to take the questionnaire and to become a little more trauma-informed.

ACNs are Adverse Childhood Neglect Experiences.  Apparently, the “E” is left off because the acronym would spell ACNE and we don’t want confusion here.

Take the ACN Inventory to see just how much you or your partner or your child is impacted by developmental trauma related to adverse childhood neglect.  It’s a real thing.

ACN Inventory By Berry Weinhold, PhD

In the first year of your life specifically and generally prior to your 18th birthday:

  1. Were you placed in childcare or with someone other than a primary caregiver before you were one month old? For all of these questions: If yes, put a 1.
  2. Did you spend less than 20 hours a week being cared for by our mother during your first year of life?
  3. As an infant, were you allowed to cry yourself asleep at night without your parent(s) attempting to comfort you?
  4. Did you feel afraid of your mother or other adult caregivers?
  5. Was your mother or another primary caregiver chronically depressed?
  6. Did your mother or other primary adult caregiver suffer from substance abuse?
  7. Did your mother or any other primary caregiver fail to tell you that they loved you?
  8. Did your mother or other primary caregiver avoid hugging you, picking you up or making eye contact with you?
  9. Were you separated from your mother for more than a week for any reason in your first year of life?
  10. Did your primary caregivers leave you with strangers or other non-bonded caregivers for more than one week before your first birthday?
  11. Were you told directly or indirectly that your parents were too overwhelmed to care for you?
  12. Did your parents fail to take your home environment safe leading to accidents?
  13. Were you told or treated by either of your parents to “be seen and not heard?”
  14. Did you frequently move when you were very young?
  15. Was your other cold toward you when you were a child?
  16. As a child did you feel your parents didn’t understand your needs?
  17. Did you feel unwanted by your parents?
  18. Were you unplanned by your parents?
  19. Did you have frequent illnesses when you were under a year of age (colic, ear infections etc,)?
  20. Even though you weren’t adopted, did you feel you were “adopted” when you were growing up in your family?
  21. Was your mother under 19 years of age when you were born?
  22. Were you a “play-pen” baby?
  23. Did you believe that there was something fundamentally wrong with you because of the way you thought or behaved?
  24. Were you “parentized” or put in an inappropriate parenting role when you were very young?
  25. Did your parents fail to provide proper medical care for you?
  26. Did your parents fail to teach you or require you to develop proper personal hygiene habits?
  27. Were you left unsupervised for long periods of time?
  28. Were you left in the care of someone who was significantly impaired or of questionable character?
  29. Were you placed in dangerous situations or with dangerous people?
  30. Were you verbally abused and your parents(s) did nothing to protect you?
  31. Were you sexually abused and your parent(s) did nothing to protect you?
  32. Were you physically abused and your parent(s) did nothing to protect you?
  33. Were you emotionally abused and your parent(s) did nothing to protect you?
  34. Did your parent(s) fail to make sure you got to school on time?
  35. Did your parent(s) fail to make sure you completed your homework?
  36. Did your parent(s) fail to provide proper nutrition for you?
  37. Did you parent(s) fail to provide proper or clean clothing for you?
  38. Did you have siblings who were less than one year older than you?
  39. Were you a “latch-key” child who had no one there when you came home for school?
  40. Did your parent(s) compare you unfavorably to your siblings?

Score:  Count the number of items where you answered, “Yes.”

 

If you had five or more yes answers, you likely had developmental traumas in your childhood caused by neglect.  The higher number of yes answers, the more severe the developmental traumas were in your childhood and the likelihood they could cause mental and physical health problems in your adult years.  If you answered yes to 21 or more of the questions, this qualifies as “severe neglect.”

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

There are no national norms for fully understanding the impact of childhood neglect; however, many researchers and clinicians believe that ACN experiences lead to more long-term health effects.  This is likely due to the reality that neglect goes unremedied and other abuses can be more easily seen by others and even more easily acknowledged by the sufferers.  People get help for childhood abuse and rarely for childhood neglect.

If you were neglected as a child, you may have a very hard time parenting children from difficult beginnings.  You will likely need help.  Get it.  Everyone in your house wants you to get the support and healing you need but maybe never realized.

Love matters,

Ce

 

Upcoming Events in Sacramento…

Reminder: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. December 15th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza and snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD Kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-8 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

If you haven’t responded to the Capital Adoptive Family Alliance (California residents only) survey about needs you have for your family while raising adopted children, here is the linkFill it out now!  That is my way of encouraging everyone to answer the survey questions to the best of your ability. You can skip anything that you don’t want to answer.  This is a way to get funding channeled to adoptive parents.  Super special opportunity for all of us adoptive families who need financing for services.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

If Your Traumatized Child Were A Dog…

Dear Parents,

Couples Blog

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

I read this today on the I Heart Dogs blog:

If you believe you aren’t your dog’s favorite person, but you would like to be, there are some things you can do to improve your bond with them. The best thing to do is spend at least 30 minutes of focused, one-on-one time with your dog every day. This time should be spent doing something active such as playing fetch or tug, having a training session, or trying a new sport such as agility or flyball where you and your dog can work together as a team.

Now apply that to your attachment challenged, traumatized child.

Go play.

Love matters,

Ce

Upcoming Events in Sacramento…

Reminder: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. December 15th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza and snacks provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you are able, but please don’t let that be an attendance barrier because the group is FREE.  ASD Kids need a social life and this is a great way to make it happen.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-8 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

If you haven’t responded to the Capital Adoptive Family Alliance (California residents only) survey about needs you have for your family while raising adopted children, here is the linkFill it out now!  That is my way of encouraging everyone to answer the survey questions to the best of your ability. You can skip anything that you don’t want to answer.  This is a way to get funding channeled to adoptive parents.  Super special opportunity for all of us adoptive families who need financing for services.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Making the Hardest Decision For Your Traumatized Child

Dear Parents:

Traumatized children can be quite abusive to you and to other children in your family.  This is one of the more disturbing realities of adopting children who have been abused, neglected, and abandoned prior to coming home to you.  Our children often live on high alert in a dysregulated state, so it doesn’t take much for them to go from zero to 60 during everyday life events.  If you are in the path, you will get hurt.

Prepare yourself for the truth; it requires a huge amount of emotional and physical commitment to raise a hurt child.  You will likely get punched, kicked, bitten, spat upon, and yelled at along your parenting journey.  You may get this on a regular basis while you are trying to create a sense of felt safety for this very same child.  It will likely dysregulate you, scare you, and, at some point, it may cause you secondary trauma akin to posttraumatic stress. There is a name for it:  Post Adoption Stress.

It is up to you to decide when you cannot maintain a consistently safe home for your child. I know you are getting all the help that is available to you.  If you hit a wall, you do.  No shame.  There are limits to a parent’s ability to hold the stress, emotional duress, and physical assaults of trauma re-enactment.  You decide when enough is enough.  It is not your therapist, your doctor, your mother, or your best friend’s decision.  It is solely up to you, and it is okay to decide that your beautiful child needs a higher level of care than you can provide at home.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

That decision will break your heart (I know all too well), but it may just save your relationship with your child (which I also know quite well.)  That is the ultimate goal–get your child consistent, patient, informed, and safe treatment for the trauma that cannot be addressed at home.  That does not make you a bad parent.  It makes you a loving parent who needs help to help your child. Once again, no shame.  There are limits to everyone’s capacity.  If you hit yours, do yourself, your child, and your family a favor and seek a higher level of trauma intervention outside your home.

There is a place for residential treatment in healing the wounds of childhood trauma.

You will not be “giving up;” you will be “giving in” to more help.

Love matters,

Ce

Upcoming…

Reminder: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. December 15th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you choose.

NEW!  5-Week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-8 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

If you haven’t responded to the Capital Adoptive Family Alliance (California residents only) survey about needs you have for your family while raising adopted children, here is the linkFill it out now!  That is my way of encouraging everyone to answer the survey questions to the best of your ability. You can skip anything that you don’t want to answer.  This is a way to get funding channeled to adoptive parents.  Super special opportunity for all of us adoptive families who need financing for services.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

 

The Twinkle In Your Eyes Begins With You

Dear Parents:

Listen up beautiful people. If you are waiting for your children to have love in their eyes before you have love in yours, you will be waiting a very long time. Your child’s attachment challenged shenanigans may have drained you of your twinkling eyes and made you into a flat, despairing, and sometimes bitter drill sergeant. I’ve been there. I truly know.  I am not judging you, at all. I get you. I am you. I am you years down the road.  That is the good news because I am not like that anymore.  There is hope.  Hope for you and for your child.

When my kids were younger, I wish someone had bonked me on my head, like a V8 commercial, so I could have had an earlier attitude adjustment.

So, (if you need one) here is my attempt at a “bonk” on your pre-frontal cortex.  If you are a parent who adopted a child, you are your chid’s best hope of finding the buried treasure of love in that damaged heart (a.k.a. pre-frontal cortex.) Have I mentioned that pre-frontal cortex is my favorite set of words? If you know me, you know I have mentioned it–over and over.

Here is the key:

You must make a decision every day to be a loving person. Period.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

No one loves the shenanigans of traumatized children–the mean, hateful, scary, snide, cunning, unrelenting, mind-boggling, mind-numbing, heart-stopping, shitty crap (clinical term) they dish up.  No one is made for that, better suited for that, temperamentally predisposed to that.  So, you wishing you could give up, throw them back, leave them on a corner, put them back on a plane, or relinquish them is very human, understandable, and evidence of the magnitude of grief you feel to the bone.  I wish I could hug you.  I know you need it.

If you consider yourself capable of being a loving person, then “be” that in the face of adversity.  Raising this kind of child is the definition of adversity. There is a payoff.  It is down the road.  Essentially, your love is “paying it forward.”  It will come back to you.  Gandhi said it best, Be the change you want to see in the world. Be the love you want to see in your child.  It starts with you.

Love in the face of adversity is the definition of love.

Love matters,

Ce

Upcoming…

Reminder: Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. December 15th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, right? This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you choose.

NEW!  5-week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-8 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

If you haven’t responded to the Capital Adoptive Family Alliance (California residents only) survey about needs you have for your family while raising adopted children, here is the linkFill it out now!  That is my way of encouraging everyone to answer the survey questions to the best of your ability. You can skip anything that you don’t want to answer.  This is a way to get funding channeled to adoptive parents.  Super special opportunity for all of us adoptive families who need financing for services.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

You Don’t Exist

Dear Parents:

If you had a bad habit of mumbling your words or talking a little too loud or too much or chewing vigorously with open mouth at dinner and your beloved ignored you whenever it happened, how might you feel?

Ignored?

Hurt?

Rejected?

Shamed?

Angered?

Furious?

Reactive?

Rebellious?

Oppositional?

Bitter?

Unloved?

Disengaged?

Done!

Couples Blog

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Be careful what you are ignoring when you follow advice from parent educators and therapists to “ignore” your child’s negative behavior. Sometimes we parents get confused about what that means.  It doesn’t mean ignore the child.  It means ignore the behavior, not the child.  Some attachment challenged, traumatized children have a multitude of negative behaviors. You could end up ignoring your child at regular intervals all day, every day.

Attachment challenged children are not usually capable of discerning exactly what you are ignoring.  They often take it to mean: “You are mean, and I am bad.”

A better approach with soft, loving eyes sounds like this:

Yelling when you are angry really, really, really hurts my ears.  

Chew with your mouth closed, Sweetie Pie.  

I couldn’t hear what you said. It sounded like, “Can I toast some chihuahuas?”  That can’t be right. Try again please.”

Yep, say those kinds of sentences playfully 15 times a day instead of ignoring your child 15 times a day.  Could be life changing.  Enough said, right?

Love matters,

Ce

Upcoming…

NEW!  Strictly Social Autism Spectrum Disorder Pizza Night for Tweens (11 yrs – 16 yrs) at The Attach Place. November 17th, 2017 from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm.  Pizza will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com so we get enough pizza, of course. This is a  monthly social group for the children; and caregivers will have an opportunity to connect, chat, and chill in a separate space. A donation of $0.00 to $5.00 will be accepted for pizza and supervision if you choose.

NEW!  5-week FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS IMPROV GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA–6-9 yrs group and 9 to 11 yrs group.  The groups will be $20 per session, CALVCB payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Groups will begin in January 2018.  Contact Jen@attachplace.com for more details.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on December 13th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Painful World View of Some Adoptive Children

Dear Parents,

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to be the change agent in the worldview of your adopted child.  We all get our personal worldviews between conception and two years old. No kidding. That has always been kind of scary to me. Before we can talk and before we have identities apart from our caregivers, we learn the world is safe or scary, that we are lovable or unlovable, and that our needs will be met or not.  If we get the unsafe, unloveable, unwanted worldview, we internalize that the world is a hostile place, we are bad actors in it, and we have to go it alone to figure out how to survive.  If we get the safe, loveable, wanted worldview, we internalize that the world is a safe place, we are good and lovable actors in it, and we can trust ourselves and depend on those close to us for our well-being.

Whichever worldview we get, we keep it until something deliberate happens in our lives profoundly and consistently enough that our worldview gets re-written with a new pen and a better outcome.

You are the Internal Worldview Script Doctor re-writing over the previous storyline and creating a more integrated personal story for your child.  They say we all have at least one masterpiece in us. Your child(ren) may be your greatest work(s) of art.

Love Matters,

Ce

Sacramento Local Events: 

CAFA’s FREE Respite Program provides temporary relief for adoptive families living in or who have adopted through Sacramento County. Respite provides a positive experience for both the parent and the child. While families may take great joy in providing care for their loved ones, the physical and emotional consequences for the family caregiver can be overwhelming without some support, such as respite. Respite provides a break for the whole family, which research shows, is beneficial for everyone involved. Respite is available to kids aged 4-17.Children will be supervised by staff experienced in teaching social skills and positive peer interaction. Children will get the opportunity to participate in activities like sports, playing team building games, art, crafts and more.
Lunch is provided!
When: November 11th, 2017 (New Date)
Time: 10am-3pm
More details and to Register go to:www.capadoptfam.org

NEW!  AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD) CO-ED SOCIAL GROUP for Tweens (older 11-years-old through younger 15-years-old) at The Attach Place. November 6th, 2017 from 5:30 to 7:30 pm will be the first social group for ASD tweens. Pizza and drinks will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com. This is a no-cost monthly social group for the children, and parents will have an opportunity to socialize, chill, or maybe read a book in a separate space, too.

NEW!  FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA.  The groups will be low-cost, CALVCP payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Details coming soon.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Plain Talk for Challenged Parents of Challenged Children

Dear Parents:    

I often get calls from adoptive parents seeking therapy for their attachment challenged child(ren).  When I share our comprehensive family approach, many are accepting and excited.  Some, however, are white-knuckling every day, worn out to the core, and reluctant to put in even an ounce more energy.  These parents are desperate to get help for their child and they focus only on that.

He never does what I tell him to do.

She only cares about herself.

Something is wrong with him.

She sneaks around all the time.

He steals things from everyone.

She doesn’t have a conscience.

He lies about everything.

She is grieving about her crappy past.

He is negative all the time.

She doesn’t care about anything.

He hurts his brother.

She hates me and her life.

He is self-centered and disrespectful.

I hate every minute of this.

S/He needs therapy.

I have no doubt about the behavior.  I do have to question the focus and motives ascribed.

Here is what I see in the room with me:  parents–once hopeful, excited, enthusiastic people who had a dream of creating a loving family; parents with shattered dreams and buckets of grief and overwhelm.  If this is you, you may be:

Hurt.

Triggered.

Reactive.

Adversarial.

Resentful.

Grieving.

Angry.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

Depressed.

Dysregulated.

Exhausted.

Despairing.

And in need of big support.

Your whole family needs help. You are the healer for your child, but you must first start from within. Therapy for your child will not be effective without you. When you have trouble finding your heart and seeing the good in your child, you are the one who needs help first and the most. It is okay to admit it if it is so.

Love Matters,

Ce

Sacramento Local Events: 

CAFA’s FREE Respite Program provides temporary relief for adoptive families living in or who have adopted through Sacramento County. Respite provides a positive experience for both the parent and the child. While families may take great joy in providing care for their loved ones, the physical and emotional consequences for the family caregiver can be overwhelming without some support, such as respite. Respite provides a break for the whole family, which research shows, is beneficial for everyone involved. Respite is available to kids aged 4-17.Children will be supervised by staff experienced in teaching social skills and positive peer interaction. Children will get the opportunity to participate in activities like sports, playing team building games, art, crafts and more.
Lunch is provided!
When: November 11th, 2017 (New Date)
Time: 10am-3pm
More details and to Register go to:www.capadoptfam.org

NEW!  AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD) CO-ED SOCIAL GROUP for Tweens (older 11-years-old through younger 15-years-old) at The Attach Place. November 6th, 2017 from 5:30 to 7:30 pm will be the first social group for ASD tweens. Pizza and drinks will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com. This is a no-cost monthly social group for the children, and parents will have an opportunity to socialize, chill, or maybe read a book in a separate space, too.

NEW!  FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA.  The groups will be low-cost, CALVCP payment eligible, structured, and fun, too.  Details coming soon.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.

Sugar Shack Attack In Children From Difficult Beginnings

Dear Parents,

Tonight, I met with some great parents who are dealing with the insanity of what I call the sugar shack attack. Their young children will not eat real food–just sweet stuff.  They have pared the sugar down to healthy sweet this and organic fruity sweet that, but they are having a sugar shack attack all the same, and there is full-on food refusal at their dinner table…breakfast table…and even school lunch table.

When they were talking, I was harkening back to the time when hoarding candy, amongst plenty of other stuff, was a major force in my house.  Where did all the candy come from?  I watched so closely, and yet candy wrappers magically appeared by the dozens–stuffed into every nook, drawer, vent, pillowcase, and behind every bed, dresser, and door.  Amazing really.

Sweets, like alcohol, crack, and heroin, jingle the reward systems in children (and adults for that matter.)  Dopamine is the reward system’s candyman. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that makes all of us humans feel GOOOOOOOD. Soothed. Happy. Too much dopamine, however, can lead to addictive, and even psychotic, behavior.

You can see why our attachment challenged children, who often have deficits in the happy neurotransmitters, would be seeking sweets–eventually moving on to other substances to make all the pain in their hearts go away. Unfortunately, no substance works long-term and the urgency for more amps up. Most traumatized children are sweet-seeking missiles.

A big part of dealing with this is managing diet. Yep, you have to withhold sweets and natural alternatives, too.  Those are just sugar hits in disguise.  Fruit is sugar and should be eaten only as a dessert after all the other food has been consumed.

The Attach Place

The Attach Place
Center for Strengthening Relationships

One of the best things you can do is get your children on a Whole 30 Diet.  Cut out carbs (which metabolize into sugar), and when necessary, cut out excessive fruits (dried and otherwise.)  Give your children a clean palate, so that real, healthy, clean food tastes sweet.  If you don’t know that most clean food tastes sweet, then the Whole 30 Diet will enlighten your reward systems, too.

When your kids don’t get sugar to soothe, they will need a replacement. Let it be you. Hold your babies (even if they are 18) when they ache.  If they cannot tolerate touch because of complex trauma, sit close, use soft eyes, and talk sweetly. Isn’t that term funny–talk sweetly? The positive neurochemical cascade can be ignited those ways, too.

Sweet talk is a love language.  Broken hearts need a whole lot of sweetness to heal.

Love matters,

Ce

Sacramento Local Events: 

CAFA’s FREE Respite Program provides temporary relief for adoptive families living in or who have adopted through Sacramento County. Respite provides a positive experience for both the parent and the child. While families may take great joy in providing care for their loved ones, the physical and emotional consequences for the family caregiver can be overwhelming without some support, such as respite. Respite provides a break for the whole family, which research shows, is beneficial for everyone involved. Respite is available to kids aged 4-17.Children will be supervised by staff experienced in teaching social skills and positive peer interaction. Children will get the opportunity to participate in activities like sports, playing team building games, art, crafts and more.
Lunch is provided!
When: November 11th, 2017 (New Date)
Time: 10am-3pm
More details and to Register go to:www.capadoptfam.org

NEW!  AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD) CO-ED SOCIAL GROUP for Tweens (older 11-years-old through younger 15-years-old) at The Attach Place. November 6th, 2017 from 5:30 to 7:30 pm will be the first social group for ASD tweens. Pizza and drinks will be provided. Please RSVP to Andrea@attachplace.com. This is a no-cost monthly social group for the children, and parents will have an opportunity to socialize, chill, or maybe read a book in a separate space, too.

NEW!  FRIENDSHIP SOCIAL SKILLS GROUPS FOR CHILDREN WITH DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA.  The groups will be low-cost, CALVCP payment eligible, structured and fun, too.  Details coming soon.

UPCOMING ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP facilitated by Ce Eshelman, LMFT:  Join our monthly Adoptive/Foster Parent Support Group on November 8th, 2017! Open to all parents/caregivers at no cost. Support Group is every 2nd Wednesday of every month from 6 pm to 8 pm at 3336 Bradshaw Road, Ste 175, Sacramento, CA 95827.

TRY MY BOOK FOR DAILY SUPPORT: Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief For Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman, LMFT.  Daily inspirational reading for those who sometimes find it hard to keep hope alive. There is hope for healing.

FOLLOW US:  Twitter @lovingradkids and @Attachmenthelp or Facebook.