Attachment Is Everything

Teens need attachment love, too.  Attachment challenged children really struggle in adolescence.  All the usual questions of adolescence are magnified: Who am I? Where do I belong?  What matters to me?  To whom do I matter? 

 
Fears and anxieties are huge for our teens when cortisol and hormones run high.  Parents, pump-up your compassion and dial-down your fears.  Remember what it was like to desperately want someone to choose you, like you, touch you, kiss you? Remember what is was like to need to pump up your vibrato, puff out your chest, challenge and win, be right, get your dream date, or be a BFF?  

Older and Outer

 
Remember howfitting in andstanding out were in constant cross-fire inside your head? 
 
Remember how OLD and OUT OF IT your parents seemed?
Remember how far ahead of your brain your mouth was?
danger brain mouth
Now, multiply those memories by the intensity of 20, or so. To varying degrees our teens are us, plus sized. Icky thought for most of us. If YOU were never like this, YOU are going to have trouble with empathy for your teen.  YOU still need to find some, because rejection, shaming, lecturing, disappointment, outrage, frustration and anger will not create the attachment love connection necessary to get your teen through this volatile period in life.
YOU must be the one who changes.  The more YOU insist that the teen make the changes before YOU can trust, the less trust there will be.  Trust is one of those things, like love, YOU just have to give away a little at a time. Sometimes you get it back, right?  Sometimes you don’t. Trusting is risky business.  Consider the alternative.  And, no, you cannot lock them in the basement until they are 21.
Love Matters,
The Attach Place Logo
Ce Eshelman, LMFT 
UPCOMING EVENTS:

 

 

Comments

  1. This week my wife’s been away. And I needed to work on being more understanding and gave more grace otherwise out would have been a long long week !! And what developer was an amazing generally peaceful week.
    Keep the good advice coming thanx.

  2. This week my wife’s been away. And I needed to work on being more understanding and gave more grace otherwise out would have been a long long week !! And what developer was an amazing generally peaceful week.
    Keep the good advice coming thanx.

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