If you love an adult child who began in difficult attachment beginnings and abuse, you might be spending a lot of time in double binds and the throes of emotional whiplash. I know it’s not new to you; however, it might be that you thought the big ups and downs would go away in adulthood. Unfortunately, the experiences hardwired in the first 33 months of life set the relationship blueprints for a lifetime. Your adult child may still need a relationship with you where you hold structure, maintain boundaries, stay emotionally regulated, and provide it all in a nurturing tone.
Here is a little advice from someone who lives in the delicate balance between my child’s self hatred and hatred of all things Mom. Our children have internal working models about themselves, their parents, and their world that can seem like the dark night of the apocalypse. When the shame floods a young adult from difficult beginnings, blame gets spewed all around. If you are well versed in this reactive bind of no right all wrong, then you know it is not about you. If you are just now seeing it for what it is, step out of the way of the slings and arrows. It is not about you. It is not about you. It is not about you.
Stay clear, stay calm, stay loving, stay out of the fray. All things cycle back to good eventually; just like when your child was little and the sky was falling one minute and the next s/he was laughing and making silly faces. They are still like that, only bigger.